


12 REASONS WHY | LOONA

by kimwig



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, Inspired by 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-02-07 20:23:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 38,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21464026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimwig/pseuds/kimwig
Summary: "If you're listening to this, you're one of the reasons why."Jiwoo was always viewed as the happy girl, the energetic one of her friend group. She had no reason to be sad, people thought, and if she was, she was being dramatic. But what if she really had a reason, specifically twelve, to end it all?What if pretending someone you're not is the drop that makes the glass overflow? A drop that would spill the whole thing to the ground. Destroy everything.Inspired by the Netflix Series 13 Reasons Why
Comments: 52
Kudos: 187





	1. december twenty eight

It was already past Christmas and the weather seemed to be getting worse. A thick, white, and fluffy blanket of snow covered every corner and inch of town. Everyone was inside, sitting by the fireplace and having hot beverages with family and friends.

Christmas was a perfect time to be alive; there was no school or work. You could eat everything without worrying about fitting in your uniform or suit, you could relax and spend time with your loved ones as you exchanged gifts.

However, Jiwoo felt tired. Sitting in the large dinning room of Haseul's big home with the rest of her friends, cracking jokes and laughing, the red head felt extremely worn out. Jiwoo was blessed to have so many friends, she always reminded herself to be grateful of them, though deep down, the girl couldn't help but to let her sadness and bitterness take over. That lead to her being distant at times, but as the happy pill of the group she had to pretend everything was fine. Jiwoo had to pretend everything going on in her life didn't take a toll on her.

She had to _pretend_.

Jiwoo has been pretending to be happy for a lot of years. It started off as a coping mechanism to the pain—her giggles, smiles and hugs—that later turned into an unhealthy habit. She was so used to it, it came out naturally.

"Jiwoo-ah," Jungeun called out when she spotted the red head playing with her food and zoning out, making her drop the spoon in her hand and look at the woman across of her with wide eyes "You good?"

The red head was supposed to had finished the soup served by Heejin a while ago, seeing as everyone had already moved to dessert.

"Tired," Jiwoo shrugged, eyes moving from Jungeun to Sooyoung and later at Haseul. The younger's gaze lingered at the short haired female for a while before she excused herself to the bathroom "I'll be right back. You guys go ahead and finish the meal without me."

"Don't be late!" Jinsoul spoke up, taking a bite off the dessert Vivi made.

"Yeah, we're doing that secret Santa thing." Yeojin said in a loud voice, thumping her small feet on the marble floor with excitement.

It was a tradition, every year just a few days after Christmas all girls would exchange gifts through the game of Secret Santa. This year Jiwoo had to buy a gift for Sooyoung— which is very ironic. It could've been more convienient if she bought a gift when they were together, yet the only year she was 'lucky' enough was this one, the year their relationship wasn't at it's best as they had their biggest fight.

"I won't," the red head replied, flashing a smile to her friends before she headed for the restroom "Thank you."

"For what?" Hyunjin asked, furrowing her eyebrows and throwing a questioning glance at the girl next to her, Heejin.

Jiwoo moved to the bathroom. She closed the door and looked at her reflection in the mirror. Jiwoo used to love looking at herself in the mirror, she used to admire her looks. That happened years ago though, she had stopped loving herself a very long time ago. It was fine, she told herself, besides she wouldn't have to live with it for long.

Everything was set, she was ready. Jiwoo had been postponing this moment until this very night, December twenty eight. Today was the day of her redemption from all bads, of all weights and nightamers. Tonight, Jiwoo was putting an end on her struggles. It was about time she did something for herself.

The girl braced herself and grabbed the bottle of Haseul's sleeping pills from the cabinet, emptying the whole thing in her palm and swallowing the pills easily just like candy. Later, Jiwoo took out of her pocket a pen and a piece of paper. She hadn't written a letter, she didn't plan on doing so, but looking her friends gathered all together and smilling reminded her how much she truly loved them. Even though, they weren't always the friends she deserved.

And maybe it sounded selfish, believing you deserve other friends. But think about it, everyone considers of it sometimes and Jiwoo had a lot of reasons to think of it as well. Mainly twelve. Jiwoo had twelve main reasons as to why she was now in the beggining of the end, the beggining of the path leading to death, to redemption.

The letter wasn't big, the girl didn't have a lot to write when her mind was spinning and everything started to get blurry. Jiwoo smiled as she signed it, leaving it on the counter as she pushed herself up in attempts of finding the new razor she hid under a pile of white towels in the bathroom. It was recently purchased and ready to get stained by her blood, the sweet nectar she would give in exchange to death. If loosing enough of it, Jiwoo was finally free.

And so she let out a shaky breath, bringing the sharp blade to her throat and pushing just enough for a few drops to leak out of the broken skin. She played around with it a little, chuckling before she slit open her throat.

Jiwoo always imagined of people screaming when their throats were being slit open, but she couldn't. The pain was too much, but she was used to it. If she tried to talk, scream or even move, gallons of blood would gush out of the big wound and even if she wanted everything to end, Jiwoo thought of letting all the pain sink in and really torture her like the emotional one had been doing all those years.

She fell on her knees, bruised kneecaps hitting loudly against the tiled bathroom floor as her hand moved to her throat. It was coming, freedom was near. Jiwoo's body slouched over the edge of the tub, head almost banging on the inside of it as she struggled to breathe. The girl was holding onto the white marble of the tub tightly, the blood on her hands staining everything while the blood coming out of her wound created a puddle inside the tub. Jiwoo thought that with the rate of her bleeding, she could fill up the tub and offer a delicious blood bath to Death that would soon come and save her from all this misery.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the closed bathroom door, Sooyoung and Jungeun waited. Both once the closest to Jiwoo, they stood by the door while their heads stuck to the wooden surface of it as they tried to hear for anything.

"Do you think we should get in?" Sooyoung asked "She has been in there for a while."

"Maybe it's her stomach," Jungeun replied, knocking on the door "She didn't seem well back at the table—"

"What are you guys doing here?" Chaewon butted in the conversation, getting in between the girls and looking at the door with brows furrowed.

"Jiwoo is still inside." Sooyoung said, eyes rolling so hard they almost got stuck at the back of her head.

"We should check up on her, then," the blonde spoke and grabbed the door handle "I'll go."

"Wait, Chae—" Jungeun tried to say when the girl opened the door wide, all words and thougths escaping her brain when she laid her eyes on Jiwoo "—won."

Chaewon's loud scream of fear snapped both Sooyoung and Jungeun out of their daze, bringing the sense of reality back to them and causing a few other girls to gather around too.

"Jiwoo!" the blonde ran into the bathroom, falling on her knees as she hugged the girl's waist, bringing her slouched body from over the tub to lean on her chest. Chaewon cried and continued screaming, hands moving over Jiwoo's blood stained arms and later to the large, still-bleeding wound on her neck.

Sooyoung, Jungeun, Yerim, and Hyejoo all stood by the door looking repulsed by the sight of Jiwoo's pale and bloody body against Chaewon's, who screamed for help and demanded someone call an ambulance.

"Make way." Haseul spoke, walking in the bathroom and trying to take hold of Jiwoo.

However, Chaewon wouldn't let go. Her hands gripped Jiwoo's clothes and motionless ribs as she wailed. The blonde was full of blood, from her hair, face, to her clothes. She was a mess.

"Someone get her out of here!" Haseul barked, grabbing many towels while Hyejoo stepped forward, kneeling down before the blonde.

"Chaewon-ah, let her go," she spoke, hand moving on the girl's shoulder "If you do we will take care of her and she'll be alright." 

It was rare for Hyejoo to have a calm tone, she was usually more harsh. Regardless, she always softened around Chaewon and was probably the only one capable of getting her out of the bathroom.

"She won't," Chaewon wailed as the raven head dragged her out of the bathroom, reeking the smell of blood "Leave me alone!"

Haseul glared at the girls who stood by the door with disgusted expressions and called over Sooyoung to help, the girl immediately complying.

"Keep this to her wound, I'll perform CPR." she sounded very calm, there was no sign of worry in her voice.

"Haseul unnie, she took pills too." Yerim spoke, pointing at the counter.

The woman nodded, pushing harsly on Jiwoo's chest and hearing one rib break. She was determined and was going fast, pushing with all her strength and not caring to check on how Sooyoung was doing or answer to Vivi's question.

"The ambulance is on it's way." Heejin said, holding Hyunjin's hand and glancing at Jungeun. The woman was on the floor, back and head against the wall as she let a few tears drop from her dark orbs and down her cheeks to her neck. She didn't make any sound or movement. The salty liquid spilled out effortlessly.

Yeojin and Jinsoul were back in the dinning room, both seated and trying to block out the sight of Jiwoo's body and the screams of Chaewon's.

"She was literally just there, and now.." Yerim spoke as she joined Jinsoul, head leaning against the blonde's shoulder.

"Jiwoo will be fine." Vivi said, taking Yeojin and leading her to the guest rooms to lay down. As the youngest and most pure, today's events had taken the worst effect on her.

The torturous minutes passing felt like hours to every one of the girls, who all prayed for Jiwoo to be fine, pushing away all the questions they had as to why. For now.

"Unnie, I feel sick." said Sooyoung and dropped the towel, bloody hands covering her mouth as she rushed to the toilet to throw up Heejin's soup and Vivi's dessert.

Haseul didn't care though. All of her focus was on the girl laying on the floor, body not reacting even after many intense rounds of CPR. The short haired female felt anger wash over her as red, half lidded eyes looked at her and weak arms moved to stop her from continuing.

"It's over," Jungeun said in a hoarse voice, having entered the bathroom a few momments ago, cheeks stained with mascara "There's no pulse."

Jiwoo had succeded, her heart had finally stopped beating for good.

"Fuck." Haseul cursed, body collapsing on top of Jiwoo's.

Little did they know this wasn't over, it was just the beggining. The beggining of the a journey filled with tears, regret, and hate. A lot of it.

"You're so damn persistent." the woman mumbled under her breath and pushed herself off of Jiwoo, sighing at the sight of Sooyoung throwing up and Jungeun with her knees up to her chest, crying as she watched over Jiwoo's now dead body.

Jiwoo was dead.

Free.

And this, only the _beggining_.


	2. january fifteen

It was January already, January fifteen. It had been almost a month since the girls experienced the death of their friend, yet the funeral hadn't been held until today.

The girls didn't talk as much or maybe, Chaewon didn't talk to them as much. Her mind was stuck on Jiwoo, her beautiful smile and face, the way she always cared.

She was gone.

And Chaewon had a hard time accepting it, feeling tears well up in her eyes the moment she walked in the cemetery dressed in black. The blonde was one of the first to get there, the only people already there being Haseul with her parents, Sooyoung, Jungeun and Hyejoo.

They were all dressed in occasion, Haseul and Sooyoung with long black dresses while Jungeun and Hyejoo in black tight jeans and coats. The weather was chilly and the snow had just given up a few days ago.

"They had one job, to get here in time." Jungeun spoke through greeted teeth, watching as Vivi, Jinsoul, Yerim, and Heejin speed walked towards the rest of the group some carrying food for later.

Jiwoo was already in her casket that was open, waiting to be put in the dirt. Body washed in insence water and dressed in grave clothes while her nose and ears were stuffed with cotton. Her mouth filled with around three spoonfuls of rice. On both of her big eyes, coins were placed. All of this being concealed under the several layers of shroud that bound her body.* Either way Chaewon couldn't help but to stare at her, disregarding a pair of hands patting her on the back as Hyejoo moved to stand beside her.  
**(A/N: *= South Korean traditional preperation of the deceased's body for their funeral)**

Not long after, the rest arrived and stood by the big hole in the ground, hungry for the red head's remains who laid with eyes closed in her casket, back comfortably resting against the mattress inside of it.

And then it started, people talking about how she would be missed and how the word wouldn't be the same place without her. It angered Chaewon, because she never realized how much of a bad friend she had gotten. She was being a wrong friend, she didn't help her. She couldn't even tell Jiwoo was sad. The blonde even blamed herself for loving her. Even if one-sided, Chaewon wondered if the love she offered Jiwoo wasn't the right one, maybe it was a sister kind of love the red head needed to hold a little tighter onto life. To not end everything.

Chaewon let a single tear escape her eye, gaze still focused on her first love in the casket ready to be put away. She took a deep breath in and pushed her nails into her palm when it happened, gaze traveling around to her friends.

Sooyoung, Hyujin, Heejin, Yerim and Yeojin were all side by side as they held onto each other. Some crying and some not with Hyunjin being the most composed one. Jungeun and Hyejoo stood across of each other, the latter's hand slightly grazing Chaewon's when the casket touched the soil while Jungeun and Jinsoul held hands.

Haseul was alone, kneeled by the hole and watching with a straight face as she ignored her parents' pleads of getting up. Vivi stood behind her, a hand caressing her back when a faint sob spilled from the raven head's mouth. It was hard, finding out your friend took away their life in your house. The house you have been sharing with them for so long that it felt like they were a part of the family since forever.

"Wonie-ah,"Hyejoo called out, tugging on her sleeve once the ceremony was over and the girls were slowly leaving "Is everything okay? You zoned out."

"Yes, fine. I'm fine." the blonde replied, letting the younger lead her to the car with which they were all supposed to meet back at Haseul's house for lunch while her mind trailed to memories she had with Jiwoo.

Most of them were happy, with a few expections of the ones she wished she didn't make, actions that should never had been taken. She regretted those few moments, but decided to stick with the smiles and hugs, the joyful memories and the warmth of her body everytime they would cuddle to sleep while camping during summer when school ended.

Chaewon was lost in thought not realizing how they had all gotten to the car and then the house, finally seating at the big dinning table where Jiwoo spoke her last words before slitting her throat open and consuming all of Haseul's sleeping pills—which the girl never took again.

_"Thank you." _she spoke of before locking herself in the bathroom and Chaewon wanted so badly to go after her. She would do everything to bring her back or at least hug her before everything ended, say thank you back and finally confess.

Food was served, though the blonde didn't eat. Eyes fixated on the spot Jiwoo always sat—her seat was intentionally left unoccupied—she waited for the terrible nightmare to pass and the dorky red head to pop out of her hiding spot, announcing she was pulling a prank on everyone.

Chaewon didn't know how everyone else effortlessly held in their emotions, apart from Sooyoung who was in tears almost the whole time. It was impossible and the only way to stop the salty liquid from rolling down her face was to push her long nails deep into her hand, the delicate and fair flesh of her palm was now broken and spilling of blood. She had to be strong like everyone else, Jiwoo would be proud of her if she was and that was the only thing she wanted.

The vibration of her phone on the wooden table snapped Chaewon out of her thoughts, bringing the attention of the girls to her as Hyejoo leaned over to sliglty nudge her on the shoulder with a small smile on her face.

"I'm sorry." she apologized, looking down on the screen and furrowing her eyebrows.

"please.accept wants to send you an audio file."

Chaewon looked up, meeting Haseul's gaze before clearing her throat and excusing herself. She was probably being so judged for not turning off or at least, muting her phone.

"I have to get that." she said lowly, pressing accept on the screen and moving to the hall, away from the dinning room.

The blonde moved in the hallways, entering the first empty room she saw. The bathroom. Chaewon felt goosebumps spreading on her skin as she entered the room, closing the door.

"Is this thing on?" the audio file started playing and the blonde almost threw up when listening to the oh-so-familiar and attractive voice of Jiwoo's.

Chaewon's body shook as she leaned her back against the door, bloody palm moving to her forehead.

"If things have gone by plan, which probably have since you got this, you're listening to this on the day of my funeral," Jiwoo didn't sound as energetic as she usually did, her voice was soft and low. It almost sounded like she was forcing herself to speak "So, Chaewon-ah, how are you feeling? I hope you're eating, you usually don't when upset."

Jiwoo knew her too well, it almost felt like she was watching over her at all times. Chaewon's body slid down the door as she plopped on the floor, mouth agape as she listened to the audio file.

"For starters, you should eat. I wouldn't want you guys getting hurt because of me. We've hurt each other enough already, right?" she chuckled "Before I get to carried away, I'm pretty sure you have many questions. Probably what this is? Why was my funeral held so long after my death or maybe if you're the only one getting this."

Chaewon closed her eyes and tried to imagine Jiwoo talking to her in person, her face holding all sorts of expressions and lips effortlessly moving to tell stories she always loved to, dancing to the rhythm of her melodic and sometimes loud voice.

"In my letter, I don't know if you read, I asked if you guys could hold the ceremony today. I mainly did it because I didn't want to ruin your holidays more, but then realized the timing would also be right for you to know this," Jiwoo continued "The reason I'm not alive anymore."

_This is random isn't it? I hope I didn't make a big mess. Sorry about that. I just want you to know _ _that_ _ I love you no _ _matter_ _ what have might happened between. I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend. The truth may be revealed soon. I'm _ _sorry_ _._

_Note: Sooyoung unnie your gift is hidden under _ _your_ _ coat on my bed. Merry Christmas everybody and please let's say our final goodbyes next month, on the fifteenth okay? I'm asking you as a favor._

_Love,_

_Jiwoo_

Chaewon had of course read the letter and fought with the girls to keep it, accidentally revealing the love she had for the red head in the heat of the moment. However, by first read she didn't understand why Jiwoo wished for her funeral to be held almost month after her passing, frankly no one did.

"You getting this today, the day we first met so many years ago, is my way of apologizing. My way of explaining and telling you my side of the story," her voice had gotten sharper "The story where happy endings don't exist."

Such words had never left Jiwoo's lips before. Not for people to hear at least and only from them, Chaewon knew how wrong they've all been when thinking about Jiwoo never having things to be upset over.

"If you're listening to this, you're one of the reasons why," Jiwoo's voice was raspy "Welcome, Park Chaewon, to the path of the truth."


	3. park chaewon

"I can definetely tell you're confused right now," Jiwoo chuckled "You're the first amongst the eleven to know the truth, or a part of it. The part you're involved in and that made me take my decision."

Chaewon dropped her phone, teeth biting onto her arm to stop herself from sobbing as Jiwoo's voice echoed in the bathroom she took her own life in.

"There are twelve main reasons things have turned out this way, some worse than other's and it might sound silly even absurd, but I guess I have always been weak." she breathed heavily against the microphone.

_No, you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. _The blonde repeated inside her head.

"Remember back in the last year of middle school, when I told you I had this huge crush on Sooyoung unnie?" Chaewon shook her head, smilling. It was the saddest day of her life, until this very one. "You seemed very upset after I told you, but hid it well. I later realized why and I'm sorry for hurting you, Chaewon-ya."

Chaewon always asked herself is she did anything wrong for Jiwoo not liking her and liking Sooyoung instead. She could never come up with an answer apart from the fact that the older was cooler and more beautiful. She played hard to get with everyone, a lot of people drooled over her, yet around Jiwoo the whole facade was nowhere to be found. And Chaewon was nothing like Sooyoung, she wasn't cool or that beautiful. She didn't look good in leather jackets and ripped jeans, oversized shirts and caps. Chaewon was shy and timid, she wasn't that social and always insecure about annoying her friends because of it.

Chaewon was nothing like Sooyoung, that was where she was going wrong.

"It took me so long to see it, your intrest in me. I'm sorry Chaewon, but I'd like you to know I really do love you," the blonde held her breath at that, her teeth marking her skin "You're my sister, my best friend. You always made me happy by just smiling at me or offering me your dessert when I was feeling down. You are great and I'm sure everyone would love to have you by their side. I didn't deserve you anyway."

The blonde felt like screaming, crying. Why did Jiwoo had to record this message if the only thing she said was how amazing Chaewon was, breaking her heart in many more pieces. There was supposed to be an explanation and all the girl had gotten until now was words she didn't deserve to hear.

"Remember that one night when we were in highschool, where the seniors held a party for everyone?" Jiwoo questioned "It was supposed to bring students of all years together. Because together, we are better!" her tone was mocking and Chaewon could definitely tell she was using air quotes almost the whole sentence as well as where she was going with it.

That party was one of the memories Chaewon wished she didn't have with Jiwoo.

"The party was mediocre, people were mostly rude but it was okay. I was in a good mood, Sooyoung unnie and I were doing so well together," she laughed "Remember, Chaewon-ah?"

Of course she did, how could she forget?

"I can still picture it, us waiting for her and Hyejoo to bring us drinks and dancing to the lame music played by that awful DJ," Chaewon could too "Mainly the part where you leaned in and kissed me in front of my girlfriend. That was fun, the part where she started a scene."

The room vibrated under their feet as _Jiwoo and Chaewon both dressed in pretty dresses leisurely swayed their bodies in tandem with the deafening music. Both girls were waiting for their friends to bring them some of the weirdly good drink one of the seniors mixed._

_"This music hurts my ears."_ _the red head chuckled, nudging the blonde's shoulder who seemed __to__ be spacing out._

_"Huh? Ah yes, it's..bad." Chaewon mumbled, eyes fixated on the girl's lips as she went on to say something about how people won't _ _leave_ _ her alone._

_The blonde didn't _ _know_ _ how it happened or _ _how_ _ she found the courage to do it, but she closed her eyes and leaned in when Jiwoo _ _least_ _ expected her too. She kissed her, Chaewon had kissed Jiwoo after so long of fantasizing about it._

_"What the hell, Jiwoo?!" though the beautiful moment—for Chaewon—was cut short _ _by_ _ Sooyoung shouting._

_Jiwoo stood there with mouth _ _agape_ _, her bestfriend had kissed her in front of her girlfriend and the whole school to see, adding to all the rumors going on around about her. And Sooyoung screaming at her, calling her names and gaining the attetion _ _of_ _ all people in the room didn't make it easier for her as she _ _felt_ _ all eyes on her and started to hear the usual judgmental whispers. _

_"People were _ _right_ _, about the slut thing," the girl laughed, walking _ _closer_ _ to Jiwoo "And I sat here defending you."_

_"B-Babe, wait. That's __not__ what you—" she gasped, cool liquid streaming __down__ from her head __to_ _her__ chest when Sooyoung poured the drinks __on__ her and the dress __she__ spent all of her money working as a barista to buy._

_"It's over, Jiwoo-ah."_

Chaewon cringed at the memory and at how the whole school started laughing soon after, a lot of people taking videos and pictures like they alway did since the first rumors of Jiwoo being a slut surfaced.

"It..hurt a lot, you know?" the voice spoke again "And the worst part is neither you or her talked to me for a good month after it happened while everyone at school found intrest in humiliating me more. Because apart from a slut I was a cheater too, I did the first move. Like always."

A few tears rolled down the blonde's cheek and on the bite mark on her arm, eyes closing and her head fell back against the door.

"It was okay that you never spoke up about it, not even to Sooyoung unnie. I could handle it, it's not like getting constantly harassed is that hard. Right, Chaewonie?" it was the worst. Jiwoo could barely walk into school some days "I love you either way. You are my best friend. Forever."

Chaewon had never heard so much pain in the red head's voice nor her being ironic. She was always kind and..loveable. Yet the recording playing from her phone didn't sound like the usual Jiwoo at all.

Or maybe it did. It was just the people that weren't used to hearing her real self. Not that she ever let anyone see it anyway.

"Nice talking to you Park," Jiwoo laughed bitterly "But now, I got to sign out."


	4. january fifteen part two

Utensils clinked against porcelain plates as the girls finished their meal, waiting for Chaewon to come back to get on with their gathering. 

"You okay? You were in there for a while." Yeojin spoke as soon as she spotted Chaewon coming out of the bathroom, eyes puffy and lips swollen with a huge bite mark on her arm.

The whole table turned to look at the blonde who nodded, taking her seat next to Hyejoo and drinking some of her water as the lump in her throat wouldn't give up.

"You cried." Sooyoung pointed out, glancing at the blonde who ignored her statement. 

"What happened?" Jinsoul followed, Jungeun seconding her question. 

Soon the room was buzzing with questions thrown at Chaewon who stayed still in her chair as she gripped Hyejoo's arms from under the table, fighting the tears that tried to push their way out of her eyes. 

"Silence!" Haseul spoke from the head of the table, standing on her feet as she pushed the chair back.

"Yeah, if Chaewon wants to talk she will on her own time." said Vivi sternly, glancing at the short haired female and giving her a side smile and a nod. 

"It was nothing," the blonde mumbled "I just saw Jiwoo's perfume bottle in the bathroom and got overwhelmed."

Silence followed after, all girls seemed to have lost their appetite as they sat soundlessly on their seats. Apart from the youngest in the room.

"Do you still have her things here, unnie?" Yeojin asked, eyes searching for an answer in Haseul's. 

"I do," she replied "But that's none of your business." Haseul stood up, walking over to the younger who sat beside Vivi.

Her stare suddenly looked intimidating and Yeojin gulped, sinking into the chair as she watched the older hover over her.

"Today's event was enough pressure for everyone, so let's not make it worse. Yeah?" asked Haseul, propping her right elbow to the space between Vivi and Yeojin's plates.

"Okay--" the younger nodded "Aw, my shirt!"

Haseul had knocked over Vivi's glass, pouring wine all over Yeojin's shirt who whined and pushed herself away from the table to avoid getting her shirt stained more.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, scratching the back of her head "You can search through my closet and get a clean and more comfortable shirt. Leave this on my laundry basket, I'll try to wash it up for you later."

"Or Yeojin could do her magic tricks and make it disappear!" Heejin laughed loudly, throwing her head back.

Yeojin groaned as she stood up, glaring at all of her unnies who held in their laughter. There was really nothing to laugh about in the situation other than how pathetic all of them looked, mocking her for licking to do magic on a day where they were supposed to be a family.

But that was hard, the girls would barely talk to each other after Jiwoo left. It was like the red head was the glue that held the group together and now that she was gone, they had no other way of coming together.

"Whatever." she grumbled, walking away from the table and in the hall leading to the older's room.

The mumbles of the girls on the table faded away as Yeojin made her way into Haseul's room, turning the door knob as she walked inside. The older's room was very big, sometimes Yeojin would question it's size, it had a desk and a large closet, her guitar resting next to it. The woman also had her own bathroom, smaller than the one near the living room of their house.

The small brunette sighed, searching through the older's closet for a shirt that would fit. It's not like they had a big height difference, but Haseul's casual clothes were all baggy, something that triggered Yeojin's insecurities. Even if it sounded very strange, Yeojin had been struggling with accepting her height—her size in general. She was the shortest and always got teased about it from her friends and everyone else, so she hated wearing baggy shirts and pants because they made her look smaller. 

Suddenly her phone vibrated and she pulled out, annoyed. Yeojin scoffed as she looked at the screen,

"please.accept want to send you an audio file."

Yeojin threw her phone on Haseul's bed, resuming her task of finding a shirt that fit her. It didn't take while and soon she was changing from her wine stained one to a white plain crop top. The girl hummed, satisfied as she looked into the mirror. However, the glowing screen from her phone reflected in the mirror distracted her from the few moments of self praise and confidence she gifted herself. 

"I swear if it's something gross." she mumbled under her breath, plopping on the bed and grabbing her phone.

The girl pressed accept and turned on the volume as she waited for the file to load, back now pressed against the headboard of Haseul's queen sized bed.

"Hey, Jinnie," a voice sounded loudly from her phone and Yeojin squinted her eyes, not being able to recognize it "It's me, Jiwoo."

Yeojin jumped from the bed, leaving her phone on the mattress as she ran to the other side of the room and stood by the door, hands resting on her chest while she breathed in and out of her mouth trying to calm herself down.

"This is weird, right?" Jiwoo asked and the younger nodded, arms clinging onto the door frame "You might be asking yourself what exactly is this or how you got this if I'm dead."

Yeojin eyes shook anxiously, legs slightly trembled as she waited for the red head to continue talking. 

"Well, I'm only answering to the first question. A good magician never reveals his secret, I'm sure you know," a chuckle followed Jiwoo's statement "So, what is this?"

The brunette let the frame of the door go as she tried standing on her own feet, closing the door behind her back but didn't move any closer to the bed.

"An explanation, for why I did what I did," Jiwoo continued "Not the whole, just the part that's about you."

"Me?" Yeojin asked to herself, a hand moving to rub on her temples.

"If you're listening to this, you're one of the reasons why," the older's voice sounded "Welcome, Im Yeojin, to the path of the truth."


	5. im yeojin

"H-Huh?" Yeojin's shoulders shook, back pressing against the door as her legs almost gave up on her.

"Shall we start?" Jiwoo laughed "If nothing bad has happened, you're getting this on January 15th the day of my funeral and just a few minutes after Chaewon. Right?"

Yeojin nodded again, _this__ was all planned._

"Each and everyone of you will get a recording like this, so do whatever what you want with this information," the red head spoke "Anyway, does January 15th ring a bell? Apart from today's funeral of course."

The brunette furrowed her eyebrows, eyes screwing shut as she tried to remember any specific memories from any year ago today. Yet she couldn't come up with anything.

"Think a little harder, I'll give you one key word," Yeojin's ears perked "My house."

The brunette's mouth fell open as she stumbled forward, landing on the floor on her knees. It was like one moment she was in a waiting like for a rollercoaster and the other she was already on it, riding her way to memory land. Where all memories she'd erased from her brain got stored there.

"It's clear now, right? You remembered," Jiwoo chuckled "I could honestly never blame you for getting me kicked out of my own house, maybe because I was a coward."

"S-She knew." Yeojin mumbled, feeling the urge to punch herself in the face.

"My parents at least gave me an explanation as to why they're kicking me out. I always knew."

_The sun had finally set as Chaewon, Hyejoo, Yerim, and Yeojin entered Jiwoo's house all holding snacks, pillows, and their __extra__ change of clothes __and_ _pajamas__._

_"Welcome!" the red head squealed as she opened the door to her home._

_Tonight, Jiwoo had invited__ the_ youngest of _their friend group to a sleepover as the unnies had gone out to a club people under sixteen weren't allowed._ _Her__ parents wouldn't be home by really late at night since they were working overtime, so she had the place all to herself and her friends. _

_"_ _Thank_ _ you for _ _hosting_ _ this, unnie," Yerim smiled "Even if you could've _ _gone_ _ with the rest you still stayed behind and made sure we have fun."_

_Of course, Jiwoo was old enough to go_ _ yet she didn't like _ _clubbing_ _. Everything was too loud and completely distasteful to her. The only time she had gone to a club was when she was _ _with_ _ Sooyoung and that only because she _ _would_ _ do everything for her._

_"It's nothing, Yerim-ah! Besides, clubbing is __not__ my thing," she smiled, guiding the girls to the __couch__ of the __living__ room "I'd rather __spend_ _my__ time with you than getting drunk, illegally."_

_The girls laughed, settling on the couch as Jiwoo ran to grab her __phone__ and order some pizza __for_ _everyone__. It was rare to have sleepovers because they were so many __and__ when they had __group__ ones she usually wasn't invited. _

_"Have you planned _ _anything_ _ to do?" Yeojin asked, jumping on the _ _couch_ _ next to Yerim._

_"I was thinking of a movie maybe," she smiled when Chaewon walked by her side, arms wrapping around her waist "I have a few movies downloaded, look if there's one that's intresting."_

_And so they did, all cuddled into each other they __watched__ a horror movie Hyejoo had picked. The girl was tightly gripping onto Chaewon who clinged on Jiwoo. The red head chuckled, __using__ her only free hand to pat Yeojin's head every once in a while, who_ _laid__ on Yerim's lap._

_Soon, __the__ pizza __arrived__ and they all __gathered_ _around__ in the __small__ kitchen table to eat their hearts out, thanking Jiwoo for everything and laughing around. It was rare, hanging out together without the others, and if Jiwoo was honest she had a lot of fun. Being around her ex—that didn't seem to like her so much anymore—constantly put weight on her shoulders._

_It was already past __three__ in the morning when __the__ girls decided to call it a day __and__ take __turns_ _to_ _go into the bathroom and wash up. First being Chaewon and Hyejoo while Yerim __stood__ outside the door knocking for them to get out because she was tired and wanted them to get over quickly._

_"Are _ _you_ _ alright, unnie?" Yeojin asked, back hugging the red head who sat on the couch. _

_Jiwoo's eyes were _ _stuck_ _ on the glowing screen of her phone, fingers hovering _ _over_ _ the keyboard as she _ _tried_ _ to think of a _ _good_ _ reply to a text she _ _had just_ _ received. _

_"Yeah! Fine, just..tired." the girl replied, feeling the cushion dip when the younger sat beside her._

_"Is that Sooyoung unnie?" Yeojin asked and Jiwoo nodded, explaining that it's been a few hours now she had been spamming her with messages while out with the rest._

_"She's messaging me about getting back together." the older whispered as she looked over her shoulder to see Yerim pushing open the door to the bathroom and joining Chaewon and Hyejop because she was bored standing all by herself. _

_"And what do you think?" questioned the brunette, reading the messages displayed on the screen._

_"She is probably drunk, but I was thinking it would be nice to get back together with her—" Jiwoo stopped as she brought a hand to cover her mouth, standing up to welcome her parents that had just entered the house._

_Mumbling and stuttering, both girls welcomed Jiwoo's parents before joining the rest of the girls that had finally exited the bathroom, giggling in the red head's room already occupying the spots they wanted to sleep in on the floor. _

_It didn't take long the girls to fall asleep after saying their goodnights and laughing a bit more and as faster as they visited dream landed, the morning came. _

_The faint rays of sunlight and the sound of Jiwoo's parents getting ready for work woke Yeojin up, who wished she had picked a better place to sleep other than the red head's bed as she tip -toed her way out of the room._

_Yeojin yawned, moving to the bathroom as the voice of Jiwoo's father sounded while he beckoned her over at the table, where he and his wife sat._

_"Good morning?" her statement came out as an answer when the man pointed at the chair in front of him._

_They were both quiet for a while, looking at the younger into the eyes. Yeojin anxiously waited, biting on her lip._

_"We're going to cut right to the chase because we are sadly running out of time," he finally spoke "Is there any usual information you have on our daughter you'd like to report?"_

_Yeojin blinked "Unusual behaviour? Report? What is this?" her brows furrowed. _

_"When we came in last night, we stumbled upong your talk." said the woman, offering a smile to the brunette._

_"I'm s-sorry, I don't understand." The brunette did._

_"Will telling your father in just a few hours when we meet at the office that we saw you bringing illegal substances into our home help?" the man said, arching an eyebrow._

_"B-But I didn't."_

_"Of course, albeit he wouldn't know." Jiwoo's dad smirked and laid his back against the chair, waiting for Yeojin to speak._

_The tension was thick and the young girl had to pick between two things; get out of trouble and admit Jiwoo's homosexuality to her very homophobic parents or say nothing and having to face her father who would accuse her of doing drugs even if it was known to every one at the office Jiwoo's father had a lying problem. Beside, it wasn't true so Yeojin could also prove it by sound tests, letting her parents search through he room._

_However, between herself and Jiwoo, Yeojin picked herself as she stood up and spoke before running away;_

_"She had a relationship with Sooyoung unnie."_

Yeojin pushed herself off the floor, taking small and slow steps towards the bed as Jiwoo's voice boomed into Haseul's room.

"The moment you left the house that morning, I had a very special surpise waiting for me," Jiwoo laughed "You should've been there to see my face when my father threw my things out of the window and locked me out of the house."

The girl's hands clutched the covers of the bed, closing her eyes in attempts of blocking the memory of a crying Jiwoo knock on the door of Haseul's house that afternoon and seeking for asylum. She couldn't unsee her tear stained face and messy hair, suitcase by her side and shaking body as she broke down infront of the short haired female.

"I suppose they didn't care about my death," Yeojin shook her head "Nor came to my funeral."

Jiwoo's parents never showed up at the hospital or graveyard despite the many calls they received. It was like they never had a child, and that's when they said when asked. To them, the red head did not exist, was never born.

"Maybe I should've spoken sooner, but didn't want to get you in trouble," she continued "Maybe that was my biggest mistake after all. Or am I being too cruel? I don't know, these days I barely feel emotions."

Yeojin pushed back tears, she was one of the reasons Jiwoo killed herself and she never felt like apologizing. She always thought was she did was for the best and since there was no way the red head would now it was her who spoke to her parents, there wouldn't be any troubles between the two or anyone in the group.

"I guess I'm cruel. About time, right?" questioned Jiwoo "Nice talking to you Im. Excuse me now, my work here is over. I got to sign off."


	6. march thirty

It was a casual day for Hyejoo who had woken up just a few hours ago, showered, and ate breakfast even if it was nearly seven in the afternoon. That's what came with staying up all night studying and then distressing over video games until her head spun or passed out of exhaustion.

Hyejoo had just sat down on the gaming chair all her friends had bought for her birthday some years ago, damp hair messily worn in a ponytail while her headphones rested around her neck. The girl chewed on her bottom lip, fingers pressing the buttons of her controller when her phone vibrated against her thigh.

** yeojin skipped school today **

_March_ _ 30th 6:59 PM_

  
**haseul**  
What's up with the group chat name?  
Whatever, Vivi and I  
are going out for dinner   
tonight. Anyone want  
to tag along?

**yerim**  
I'm in!!

**jinsoul**  
same

**heejin**  
Both Hyunjin and I too ^-^

**yeojin**   
I want pizza~

**sooyoung**   
Sure

**jungeun**  
only if any of you buy  
me a drink.  
i need alcohol

**sooyoung**   
I got you Jung.

**chaewon**  
I can tag along too.   
Hyejoo?

The girl sighed, leaving her controller on the side for a moment as she typed her answer.

**hyejoo**   
sorry i can't 

Hyejoo was in no mood of going out tonight or any other day of the week. Socializing at school was enough pressure for her and in order to finally get out of her house and spend time with her friends she needed at least one to two weeks of isolation. 

**chaewon**  
Come on we haven't   
seen you in so long :(

  
**hyunjin**  
one night with your  
best buddies will clear   
your mind and give you all  
the strength you need!!

**sooyoung**  
You heard them rat

**hyejoo**   
stfu unnie  
and sorry guys im   
super busy. maybe   
another time?

**jungeun**  
you're buying drinks

**vivi**  
She's underage

**haseul**  
And a college student

**jungeun**   
hags

**chaewon**   
Promise, Hyejoo?

**hyejoo**   
yep chaewonie  
i promise

**jinsoul**  
truly whipped

The raven head rolled her eyes, switching from her phone to the controller. Sitting comfortably in her chair, she put on her headphones and started the game, looking for a busy lobby to join.

Hyejoo loved video games and was pretty good at them, she spent most of her childhood around game machines due to her father's job as a game designer. However, none of her friends ever played with her apart from Jiwoo.

Jiwoo and Hyejoo would play every Saturday for two hours, laughing and screaming at each other through their microphones. It was the only time the younger was carefree, not having to force herself to stop playing just because her friends said so. And somehow, the older was able to make her feel comfortable, even though they weren't the closest.

Hyejoo groaned when she lost, feeling her phone vibrate again and almost screaming in fear as she jumped up from the chair. Her phone and controller dropped to the ground, her teammates asking her if she was okay while they continued playing.

"please.accept wants to send you an audio file." she read as she picked up her phone, thanking whatever God when the screen didn't crack from the fall.

The girl blinked slowly, eyes so intently looking at the screen of her phone she didn't realize a new match had started and her teammates where trying to get her attention.

"Wolf, wake up, dude!" a man spoke loudly, his voice buzzing inside Hyejoo's ears because of how loud her headphones were.

"Yeah, sorry. Lag." mumbled the girl, pressing decline on her phone and continuing to play.

She focused on the big screen in front of her, fighting the urge to think about the audio file or letting herself regret pressing decline. It would've probably been something nasty, she thought to herself. Trolls often liked sending weird things to people and she assumed the person wanting to reach out to her had similar plans.

Soon, her phone vibrated again. For a moment, Hyejoo wished she had put it on silent before returning her focus to the game. Her team was losing, only her and another guy were left standing and having to face twelve members of the rival team.

"please.accept wants to send you an audio file." her eyes darted at her phone screen once again before she pushed her headphones away, hiding her character in the game behind some bushes and reached to press accept.

In no time, Hyejoo focused back on the game as she waited for the file to start playing. She couldn't afford to die for an audio file, so figured she could both play and listen to whatever this person wanted to send her. They were persistent too, so why not just get over with it.

"Ah, Hyejoo, hello," a familiar voice made the raven head choke, aggressively coughing into the mic attached to her headphones "We haven't talked in a while, haven't we? I hope you've broken your multi-kill record, I'd be upset to know you don't put all that negative energy of yours to good use."

"You're alright, Wolf?" a teammate of hers spoke.

"Mhm." Hyejoo hummed in reply. She couldn't use words, there weren't any she could think of. It was like she had forgotten how to speak, like her tongue was tied in a knot.

Listening to your dead friend's voice was definitely not a side effect to spending many times in front of a screen, the girl thought. Although it felt like it wasn't real, like Jiwoo's voice was just playing inside her head instead from her phone.

"This, even though I'm sure you were forced to listen, is a lame explanation," Jiwoo spoke "That's how you're going to call it, right?"

Hyejoo cursed, feeling anger building up inside of her. She had never head Jiwoo this angry in the many years she was friends with her. The girl sweated through her t-shirt, the memory of Chaewon talking about the files she had received, suddenly coming back.

_"You're the only person I've _ _said_ _ this to," Chaewon muttered, head resting on Hyejoo's pillow as the _ _younger_ _ searched through her closet for a shirt that fit the blonde "But I was _ _sent_ _ a creepy _ _audio_ _ file."_

_The blonde was __staying__ over tonight, eyes heavy after __their_ _very__ long Naruto marathon. Chaewon didn't even __know__ why she decided to __talk__ about the __files__ in the __first__ place, it was a __stupid__ idea._

_"Yeah, I know, me too," Hyejoo grumbled "It's just stupid porn. I don't accept any of them _ _anymore_ _."_

_"No!" the raven head dropped the shirt "It was Jiwoo, her voice."_

That's why the sender wouldn't give up until Hyejoo accepted the file. They wanted her to listen to whatever Jiwoo had to say.

"Without a further ado," Jiwoo chuckled "Welcome, Son Hyejoo, to the path of the truth."


	7. son hyejoo

"I could always tell you never really liked me," Jiwoo spoke, a hint of sadness sounding in her voice "I didn't know why was it? I mean, what could I have possibly done wrong?"

Hyejoo sighed, biting her tongue. She was guilty of many things, usually involving Jiwoo. The younger was never kind to her, but somehow, the red head never stopped treating her with love and respect, being her lifeline if she ever felt like giving up.

"After years passed I stopped worrying that much, thinking it was just who you were. And I fully support it," she continued "You shouldn't try to change yourself. Look at me, I'm literally messing with people's heads because I'm weak and can't take the pain."

The raven head never treated Jiwoo right. It started off as her being annoyed by her loudness to later making Chaewon fall in love with her. Hyejoo couldn't accept that. Chaewon was the only person she has ever felt comfortable with, the only person she couldn't imagine her life without. 

"You told me countless times, how weak I am," Jiwoo laughed bitterly "I guess, I get it now."

Hyejoo gripped the controller, her lip bleeding from biting it so hard as her eyes tried to remain focused on the screen of her computer. 

"You were the only one who knew everything," the younger could feel an intense pain in her stomach "Everything people did to me, said about me. You knew it all and yet still had the audacity to make fun of me."

There were many times Hyejoo would come across Jiwoo crying either at school, some park or in her house and every time, she would go on and on about her being dramatic. Hyejoo thought Jiwoo's struggles weren't real, that she was going overboard with the crying, despite knowing in full detail the many things friends, acquaintances, and haters had done to the red head. She would laugh, mocking her sobs and walking away, later pretending none of it happened in front of the others. 

"I wish you could explain where all this hatred is coming from and why are you keeping yourself around me if you don't like me," said Jiwoo "But it doesn't really matter anymore."

Hyejoo always wondered why the older never talked about her behavior to the other girls. She later figured, Jiwoo loved her. She was her friend, her sister, and the red head never discriminated. Even if everyone in their friend group had done something that hurt her, Jiwoo never left their side or stopped supporting them and their decisions. 

Jiwoo was a good person. So good, she unintentionally let others use and break her.

"I hope Chaewon realizes how much she means to you," she sighed into the microphone and Hyejoo dropped her controller, having just been eliminated in her game "I hope you will find happiness, the warmth to your cold heart."

That was her biggest mistake. The mistake that drove her to insanity. 

"It's been nice, finally getting this off my chest, but," Hyejoo let a shaky breath out, head resting on her desk "I have to go."

Silence followed after, a cough and a quiet laugh sounding. It felt unnatural and made the raven head feel uncomfortable, her skin crawl, the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, and her body shiver. She hadn't heard Jiwoo talk, laugh or even behave like that ever. The woman had truly changed. She had gone mad.

"I know you didn't want me here," Jiwoo whispered "So, look at me, gone. I'm finally gone."


	8. april seventeen

"Are you sure you don't want me to drop you off at your place?" Vivi asked, head peeking out of her car's window as she watched the woman walk away.

"No it's okay, I will walk," Haseul replied with a smile, bag over her shoulder after reaching to find her keys "It's, like, four seconds away. You don't have to drop me at my door every single time we go out."

Vivi laughed, fingers tapping on the wheel as she watched the short female push a few strands of her hair behind her ear. She couldn't help the smile that formed on her face when Haseul turned to bow at her and thank her for the meal, shyly announcing she will text her before bed. 

"Be careful," she reminded "Talk to you later!"

Haseul nodded and hurried to her home, leaving Vivi to decide whether she'd like to go home and take a shower or rush to the office and get the many work she has done. She looked at the clock, it was still early and she really needed to get the papers she was given filled out. The woman was close to getting promoted, finally being recognized by her boss.

Starting her car, she used her phone to play some relaxing music. Her window was rolled down and she would occasionally stretch her hand out of it, letting her sweaty palms (the leather on her steering wheel always made her hands clammy) dry as the wind gently blew on them.

Vivi smiled again, she had been feeling great the past few months. Her job was going good, she moved into a better house, got closer with people she so much desired, and many more. The woman liked it, not having to be worried all the time, scared.

Her phone vibrated loudly and as Vivi stopped on a red light she reached out to check the notification. Her head tilted in confusion and she sighed when she read it out loud.

"please.accept wants to send you an audio file."

Shrugging and watching as the light turned green, Vivi's fingers pressed accept before leaving the device to rest on the cupholder. She guessed the audio file wasn't something that could distract her. Besides, she was great at multi-tasking and the road was nearly empty— Vivi was rather happy with that.

"I hope you're not listening to this while driving,"

Oh the irony! Vivi's eyes widened when the giggle she had so much missed hearing echoed inside her car, makig her heart beat faster and her feet on the pedals shake.

"Even if you are, please wear a seatbelt."

The voice of Jiwoo's sounded sweet and caring. However, Vivi couldn't focus on that now. Not when her whole body shivered, mind travelling back to the day of her death and the terror written on everyone's faces. The pain and tears. The woman could never forget that.

"You aren't scared, are you unnie?" Jiwoo laughed "Having someone dead talk to you is kinda creepy, but I know you can handle it. Death, having killed someone, all of that. Right?"

The red head's voice was getting deeper as she talked, Vivi had never heard her talk like that. She was usually laughing and squealing in her high-pitched tone, annoying everybody else. Now, it was different. As if she was a completely different person, making Vivi realize how much pain can change you.

"How do you feel about murders, Kahei unnie?" she asked lowly, her heavy breathing sounding loudly "I personally think they're weak. Killing someone just to feel like they've done something most people can't. It gives them the strength they were missing. You know what I mean? I've been slowly losing the ability of putting my thoughts into words." 

Jiwoo using her real name along with the words coming from her mouth, the wicked laugh after every sentence, and the slow breathing against the microphone twisted Vivi's insides, who stopped by the side of the road and flung open the door of her big, red Jeep. She stumbled out and fell on her knees as she emptied her stomach to the ground.

It was a waste, the steak she had with Haseul and the very expensive red wine were all on the ground, some even on Vivi's shoes, and near the wheels of her car. Her stomach had exploded, Vivi felt disgusted. Not because she had puked everywhere, not by Jiwoo's words, but by the vivid memory that replayed inside her head for so long, the memory she recently got rid off and could finally enjoy the little happiness in her life. 

The memory was back and Vivi felt like she could never escape. 

"I've thought about this for a long time, whether you're a murderer or not."

Vivi would never escape. 

"I always thought you weren't weak, what you did wasn't to prove your power," Jiwoo spoke "But turns out you are. Weak. You didn't have the balls to own up to the mistake you did. You ran away. And I guess the person suffering from the consequences is waiting for me in hell."

Vivi wanted to smash her phone. Even if still on her knees, head throbbing and stomach twisting at Jiwoo's every word, she could still hear her breathing. It was low yet loud, creeping at the back of her head, hovering over her ear. As if Jiwoo's spirit was around, wanting to drive her crazy.

"Even if you didn't mean to do it, you still did nothing to stop it. Even if you didn't want to prove your power, you let your weaknesses guide you," it sent chills down Vivi's spine, who pressed her back against her red car trying to stop herself from throwing up again "You are a murderer. So am I. At least we have something in common."

Work was long forgotten, Vivi didn't care a bit about promoting at the moment. Not when Jiwoo went on to explain what this audio file was for, why she needed to finally let all her feelings about before she ended her life.

"If you're listening to this, you're on of the reasons why," Jiwoo announced "Welcome, Wong Kahei, to the path of the truth."


	9. wong kahei

"I think it was about time to let it all out," Jiwoo chuckled "That's what you always told me, unnie. Didn't you?"

Vivi did, not only to the younger of the group but the older too. The woman stated she was there for everyone, that she would listen to any of their problems, help them "let it all out". All the emotion, either that was lauhging and smiling or screaming and crying. Vivi was there to listen to every bit of everyone's troubles.

"It feels great, to finally be able to talk about this," she spoke "But not great enough."

In Jiwoo's mind, nothing could make up for the pain her friends had caused. The fact that she was —in a way— taking her revenge by bringing back some of their darkest memories didn't seem to bother her. What she did was bad, she knew, but when her world started to fall apart and her brain got sucked into the bitterness it felt like the right thing to do. Because she knew when she would leave, everyone would need an explanation. All her friends, one by one. And that's what they got. An explanation. The reasons listed.

"Like, talking about the night you murdered someone won't help neither of us," the red head's voice shook a bit "But isn't it finally time I won't get to experience all the pain, all the pressure by myself?"

Now Vivi knew why a lot of girls were acting all weird and getting somewhat distant for a while. They had gotten similar files. Jiwoo wanted to get it off her chest, speak up for the first time in her life. Which was understandable to Vivi, it seemed like the most natural reaction after everything the woman had been through.

Jiwoo never talked about her problems, whenever someone would bring it up she changed the subject, told a joke about penguins or offered to take a walk and eat corn dogs by the fountain on the park near Haseul's house. It only made sense she acted that way. The pain had started to drive her crazy, made her feel like she had to put the blame on others for once— something she should've done earlier since most of the times, it wasn't her fault— it was all understandable to Vivi.

And no, Vivi wasn't trying to justify her...or that's what she said in attempts of feeling just a little better about herself and what she had done a very long time ago.

"I never got why I had to be the one to live with the consequences of your actions," Jiwoo whined "I never got why I had to be the one who suffered from the people affected by the mess you created. That car accident, unnie, doesn't it haunt you?"

It did, but as time passed and with Jiwoo's death, Vivi was able to push it at the back of her head. She would occasionally dream about it, wake up in cold sweat with tears streaming down her face. But at last, she was over it and promised to herself she would never think about it again, for her own well-being. Yet here Jiwoo was, voice trembling as she went over the whole night until the accident happened.

_"I told you we should've followed Jungeun's car," Jiwoo spoke "Haseul unnie will be so worried."_

_Vivi nodded, _ _she_ _ knew driving all the way back to Haseul's house this late at night and coming from an unknown region _ _would_ _ end up in them getting lost, but she would never admit to it. She was an experienced driver _ _after all_ _, there was no way something could go wrong, signs were everywhere. _

_"She will probably call," the __older__ replied "Don't stress __about_ _it__. I'll get on the highway and from there we will get home in just a few minutes. Besides, I'll learn the right route. It __seems__ we might be going __to__ that diner often."_

_"You're probably right," Jiwoo sighed "Now that Jinsoul unnie works there, Jungeunie will only suggest we go there for dinner."_

_Of course she would. Everyone in the group apart Jinsoul knew about Jungeun's feelings and the intensity they have been growing all those years they've been friends. Jungeun was always protective over Jinsoul and the other way around, although Jinsoul was the one babied by everyone occasionally. Even the younger ones in the group._

_"I can't quite _ _grasp_ _ why she won't confess," Vivi turned to look at the red head "It's clear they both have feelings for each other. What is Jungeun waiting for?"_

_"She's scared, I know her well," the younger spoke "I don't think many of us can confess to our crushes. Look at me and Sooyoung unnie! She had to get drunk to confess."_

_Sooyoung's confession consisted of many bottles of soju and and old saxophone she meant to use to play music under Jiwoo's room window. Thankfully she didn't, the woman passed out as soon as she reached the younger's home._

"_Yeah, but this is different." Vivi shrugged, eyes looking into the younger's. _

_"Would you be able to confess to your crush?" asked Jiwoo and giggled when Vivi bit her lip, sighing "That's what I'm talking abou—"_

_The wheels of Vivi's car screeched against the asphalt, a loud thump against the front of it freezing the pair's blood. Their eyes widened when a crack sounded. Jiwoo couldn't help herself. She pushed open the door only to cry out it disgust, peeking back inside the car to find Vivi tapping her fingers on her leather steering wheel. The woman wrinkled her eyebrows, a few beads of sweat already running down the sides of her face as her legs shook._

_"This is bad," Jiwoo mumbled, hands moving over her mouth _ _when_ _ looking at the body crushed under the _ _huge_ _ tires of Vivi's car "This is _ _so_ _ bad!"_

To this day, the older didn't know what went wrong. One minute the road was empty and the other a girl suddenly appeared in front if her, giving her no time to react and hit the breaks.

"I can't believe you drove away after that, watching the poor girl dying in front of you," the redhead was near tears "It really makes me wonder if you'll just watch me die when the moment comes, do nothing other than stand there and look. I'm afraid that you won't care, that you'll push the memory of me at the back of your head once I'm gone like you did with that girl."

_Vivi rushed out of her car, hands tangled in her hair as she observed the girl on the asphalt. She was still breathing yet the bleeding was massive and it looked like most of her bones were broken or at least cracked. There wasn't _ _anything_ _ she could do _ _about_ _ it. No matter what she did, Vivi _ _would_ _ be _ _thrown_ _ to jail, had her license taken away or even worse, get _ _sent_ _ back to Hong Kong. _

"I didn't know why you ran away that night, I had to dig deep to find the truth," Vivi felt herself wanting to throw up again. The past she so much wanted to avoid was coming back to bite her on the ass "I didn't know you fled the country because of debt. Your story about being sent here by your parents for better education was a pretty nice cover."

Everyone had bought it, Vivi's story about coming to Korea for a better future. And in her defence, she wasn't the one who was in debt, hence her fleeing the country.

The woman's parents had a pretty well-known company back home, they build it up all on their own after getting married. Everything was going great and from the moment Vivi was born and all the way until she turned thirteen, the company had become one of the biggest of it's kind. However, things started to get rough. A wrong investment and keeping ties with the wrong people was all the company needed to crumble to pieces.

"They wanted to use you as a way of getting some money to pay off the debt, right?" Vivi didn't even want to know how Jiwoo got her hands on this information, how she managed to find out about her life back in Hong Kong. All she wanted was to make this stop, the words coming out from Jiwoo's mouth no matter if it was about the accident or the past. Everything was getting too much and the buzzing in Vivi's head was getting unbearable "So you left without anyone knowing. Left to save yourself from the man your parents thought selling your boby to was a good idea."

The woman shook, tears pooling in her eyes. The past hurt. Having to remember the look on her parents' face when they told her she was going to be used as a sex object so they could pay off the debt only made her want to run away again.

They could've done anything, even force her to mary that dude, but not this. Vivi couldn't accept that. So she left the country without anyone knowing. Fooling the police she was someone else to pass the borders.

"You were afraid the police was going to send you back home, you're still filed as a missing person there." said Jiwoo "That's why you decided to leave. Right?"

_This _ _wasn't_ _ happening, Vivi couldn't believe her _ _eyes_ _. Her _ _insides_ _ twisted, she wanted to leave. She wanted to run away. It always worked._

_"Jiwoo, let's go." she said _ _under_ _ her breath. _

_Of course, the redhead protested. She was too good of a person to let someone die when she knew she was the only one who could help. Even though could've cost her her freedom, or her friend's. _

_"Are you serious?" she squeaked "We can't let her die!"_

_No _ _one_ _ in the right _ _mind_ _ would do, but Vivi couldn't risk being _ _thrown_ _ to jail or _ _going_ _ back home. She'd rather experience terrible nightmares about what _ _she_ _ did, live with the guilt for the _ _rest_ _ of her life. Anything except being used as a slave, a sex toy in order to save her parents' name_ _ and fortune._

_"We have to go, Jiwoo." her voice was monotonous and her eyes only looked at the distorted face of the woman. _

_The younger __broke__ in tears, voice wavering as she looked around. She called out to Vivi, __trying__ to convince her. Yet the older wouldn't budge. Vivi just got __into_ _her car, closing the door and starting the engine. _

_"You either get in the car now or I'm leaving _ _you_ _ here." Vivi growled, oblivious to the figure standing a few meters ahead them, eyes piercing into Jiwoo's. _

_Lowering_ _ her head, Jiwoo ran into the car. Her _ _hands_ _ shook as she _ _tried_ _ to put her seatbelt on, screaming _ _when_ _ Vivi started driving, all four wheels _ _running_ _ over the poor girl and crushing every bone in her body. If Jiwoo heard right, her skull was the last one to be broken _ _and she_ _ felt sick._

"He saw me, unnie," the redhead sighed into the mic. All this had tired her out "Her abusive boyfriend."

Vivi coughed, her saliva was bitter and she couldn't exactly tell if it was the after taste of her puke or just guilt. Guilt she has put the younger through so much pain. Guilt that she was so selfish she let someone die after driving them over.

"And he wasn't happy. Not one bit. He memorized my every face feature, he looked to find me, where I live. He would creep around our hang out places and would hide in Haseul unnie's backyard. He was everywhere!" Vivi had no idea. She knew none of this "This man, unnie, sent chopped fingers and toes in the mail. Cow's tongues and bull's teeth. There were notes too, it looked like they were written in blood!"

The bitterness was definitely guilt, Vivi concluded as she tried to stand up. Suddenly she didn't feel like driving her car. On the contrary, there was this urge deep down to set it on fire and watch it burn to ashes. Just like how she wanted to do with the memories of that night.

"I had to hide it all from Haseul unnie," Jiwoo chocked out "I really thought I was going to go earlier than expected and by the hands of that man."

Head buried in her hands, Vivi exhaled. She had done this, bring Jiwoo so much pain. And she laughed at how pathetic she was, only considering to give herself in to the police after the younger brought it up. After confessed about the terrible time she went through because of it without doing anything. Conversely, Jiwoo was the one who tried to help. Who if under any other circumstances would've even given her life for that poor girl to live.

"We're both murders, heartless and weak," she laughed "And I honestly hope she doesn't hate me that much when I join her in hell."

How could anyone hate you? Vivi thought. Really, no one could. Even if many people claimed to do so. It was all a facade. Fake. People were just following the trends, and yes, there was a trend in their school about hating her. The trend that someone Jiwoo wouldn't expect started. The one that started everything.

"Now if you'd excuse me," Vivi finally let a tear fall. It was over. Finally. "It was great getting this off my chest, but I gotta sing out."


	10. may twenty nine

Sliding her phone in the back pocket of her black jeans, Jungeun nodded at Haseul who probably told her to stay safe as she hopped off the bus.

The times Jungeun used a bus where numbered. She believed she didn't fit in there. Tight places were not really her thing nor having to push through the elderly and annoying teenagers. She'd rather stay stuck in traffic with some music playing in her car, heat adjusted to just the right temperature. But today, and any other day like this, Jungeun didn't care how she was going to get to her destination.

June was just around the corner and everyone could feel it in the weather. Every side of town was a tad bit hot as it would rarely rain. The sun seemed to be never taking a break, casting it's bright light beams over the whole country. Clouds were always on the sky, though never those angry ones, those who signalled a rain storm coming. It was a great time to be outside, especially today. And Jungeun, even if she didn't go out for such an exciting reason, was happy she managed to find some free time in between big amounts of projects and assignments.

Walking in the cemetery, the janitor waved. He knew her by name and to him, it seemed like she was there every day. Which wasn't very common between griefers nor very healthy. Something like that could drive anyone crazy, he knew, he had seen. But he didn't say anything. It was her decision and it was his job to rush to her attendance if she needed something. Not because of his job as the janitor, but because of how close they had grew.

There were many times he would pass by her and would face an utterly broken woman, talking about old memories with shaky voice and skinny fingers grazing the picture of her best friend. There were many times she would fall asleep there and he would nudge her shoulder, pat her back and escort her home. He always wanted to have an eye on Jungeun, just in case anything ever happened.

"Good morning," Jungeun kneeled by the grave, a sigh that indicated she had gotten less than two hours of sleep, slipped past her lips "I couldn't pick up flowers today."

The woman bought flowers for Jiwoo every week. The colours and types changed, sometimes Jungeun would bring some overly expensive and rare ones. If it looked good it didn't matter how much it costed. Jungeun wanted Jiwoo to be happy, at least now.

"So, I have this issue with Jinsoul unnie," she spoke as if Jiwoo was right there, eyes bright and a smile tugging on her lips as Jungeun talked "It's going good between us, yet she suddenly acts distant."

Jungeun had only realized how much she missed being Jiwoo's bestfriend after she left. They had grown up together, their families were friends, but everything changed as they grew up. The girls became distant, Jungeun made many more friends outside of their group and Jiwoo, well, she kept quiet. She acted different. And Jungeun was very busy to notice, or maybe, she didn't want to. She didn't care to.

"Like, the other day, Vivi unnie called late at night and talked with her on the phone for God knows how long," she explained "After that call she has been acting strange. She is flinching at everything I do, doesn't want to cuddle anyone, heck! She won't even eat her favorite soup."

Jinsoul was never close with Vivi, yet it looked like they had been talking a lot more lately. It wasn't that Jungeun was jealous, no. She knew the oldest out of the three had a massive crush on Haseul for many years, but something in their behaviour was off. Jungeun couldn't quite put a finger on it. It looked like they were pulling themselves out of their friendship. The friendship between all eleven of them. And it wasn't only them. Four girls had already acted that way — including Vivi.

"I wish she could just tell me what's on her mind, you know?" Jungeun sighed "We're together and I really want to help her—"

Her phone went off, a series of notification sounds followed by the vibration of her device had the woman groaning. This wasn't a time to be on her phone and she facepalmed realizing she had forgotten to put her phone on silent. Out of reflex, she pulled it out. With a tap of her finger, the phone was unlocked and already on the files app.

"please.accept wants to send you an audio file."

_Sketchy_. Yet Jungeun still pressed accept.

"This is hard," a voice she had never thought she would hear ever again played from her phone's speaker "I don't want to do this to you."

Maybe Jungeun was stupid, maybe her brain was too tiny to keep all this information in, the emotions. She couldn't really tell if she was sleeping or not, she couldn't tell if she was breathing or not. The switch inside her brain turned off. Jungeun blacked out.

"I will sent everyone a file similar to this," Jiwoo continued "To explain why I did this. Though you know me, Jungeunie, you do. You already know what I have to tell you."

She probably knew. In her state, however, no part of her body worked correctly. Jungeun could do nothing other than listen, to both Jiwoo's words and her heart beating loudly. That poor organ. It had never worked so much. So quickly.

"I thought we were in this together, life," her voice was calm, yet her anger and sadness evident "We promised."

They had. They even made a contract about being each other's friend when they were five. Of course, they wrote it again in second grade, when they could actually spell. Jungeun and Jiwoo had both signed it and kept — the latter, at least — a copy of it, framed in their room.

"But I guess promises are meant to be broken," Jungeun could only look at the picture of Jiwoo, imagining her behind her microphone, the one she used to record covers of her favorite songs. Her red hair messy, dark bags under her red and puffy face, chapped bottom lip tugged between unwashed teeth. Jungeun could see it in front of her for the first time and it would've been an understatement to say she hated herself "Kim Jungeun, welcome to the path of the truth."


	11. kim jungeun

"This won't be long," Jiwoo was trying hard to keep her composure. The only person she could let her guards down to was her bestfriend, but she wouldn't allow herself that. Not when Jungeun had left her. Had replaced her "I just want you to know you're not the only one getting this, as you're not the only one who I'm blaming."

Jungeun sucked in a breath. What was it Jiwoo was blaming everyone for? What had she ever done to Jiwoo?

"Each and everyone of you are one of the reasons I'm ending this. And yeah, I might sound dramatic, but.." her voice was wavering a little and she stopped talking "Anyway, I have already crossed four reasons out."

The woman's mind raced. Was that the reason Jinsoul was acting weird and why Vivi had called? Why Gowon suddenly got diagnosed with anxiety disorder, Yeojin skipped school for three weeks straight, why Hyejoo moved back with her parents?

"It really hurts to include you into all of this, after everything we've been through," Jiwoo sighed "But, I guess, you get what you give."

Jungeun let her phone down and moved back, she wasn't touching the stone of the red head's grave anymore. Suddenly being near it while hearing her voice felt creepy, the memories of the day she took her own life in Haseul's bathroom coming back vivid.

"I wish I could abandon you too, you know. I often try to remind myself not to run after you, take care of you, remind you to do your laundry or take the trash out," she spoke "Jinsoul can do that too. I shouldn't be up in your business. That's what you said, remember?"

_She was furious, the blonde was fuming with anger. She had never screamed this_ _ loud and for this kind of matter. It was stupid, technically they weren't official, _ _they_ _ hadn't put a _ _label_ _ on their relationship yet Jinsoul couldn't help but to feel like Jungeun was hers and only hers. Like she is the only who can be by her side at all _ _times_ _, lay with and _ _hug_ _ her the nights she can't _ _sleep_ _. _

_"It's _ _clear_ _ that _ _she_ _ likes you!" _

_Jinsoul couldn't compete with Jiwoo. She felt intimidated. _ _The_ _ younger knew Jungeun since forever, could cheer her up with only _ _one_ _ look and smile. She constantly texted, doing the job Jinsoul _ _should_ _ be _ _doing_ _ as her future girlfriend (or shoped to be)._

_"No way! We're best friends," Jungeun retorted, feet __tapping__ on __the__ wooden floor of her apartment while the blonde paced around, groaning every time the younger would __bring_ _their__ friendship up. They had __talked_ _about__ this a lot. Jinsoul had told Jungeun to make __Jiwoo__ stop being __this__ clingy, __acting__ like her girlfriend __and_ _she__ didn't. Jungeun would just brush it off "She's like my sister."_

_"It either her or me, Jungeun," Jinsoul couldn't _ _afford_ _ to lose her over Jiwoo "You have to choose."_

And Jungeun chose. She picked a girl without a single thought, leaving the other wondering where she went wrong.

"'She thinks you like me, that you'll destroy what we have'," Jiwoo mimicked her voice, chuckling "'I need her, Jiwoo-yah!'"

Jungeun could remember the day she spoke these words to Jiwoo. It was a day like this, ends of May, and the redhead had knocked on Jungeun's door with dumplings and a bottle of her favorite Pinot Noir. She could still remember the look on Jiwoo's face, how even after practically kicking her out the girl offered both the food and the wine.

"I was so stupid..to think someone could deal with me for so long," said the redhead "Sorry for being so annoying. I can get really protective over the ones I love at times."

Jungeun had never felt so bad in her life. She usually never regretted her decisions because 'you only live one'. She was the type of person who didn't care, didn't believe in karma or God punishing people for their sins. Jungeun though whatever trouble you have, you're the one causing it, you're the one always at fault. Our actions are what leads us to our pain.

"I wish you guys could do that too for once," Jiwoo breathed out "Get protective over me."

The woman was now on her feet as she paced around— a habit she picked up after being near Jinsoul for so long. Jungeun had never felt so much regret in her life. She never knew it could mess up with your stomach so much, that it could feel like sharp knives stabbing you on your back or even like the feeling of utter disappointment you get when the paper you'd given in and was so proud of gets a bad grade.

"But, everyone made their choices at life," her voice was fading "You chose Jinsoul, I chose death. What can you do?"

The way she so easily spoke of it, her death, made Jungeun want to scream. It made her pace around faster, worrying the janitor which she waved off soon after. Jungeun didn't know how to get rid of that feeling. She didn't know why she hadn't thought about the possibility of her choices hurting Jiwoo so bad.

All she knew was that she was guilty. Jungeun was guilty of Jiwoo's pain and there was nothing she could do now.

Jiwoo had made her decision.

"I love you, sister," Jungeun could imagine the redhead's smile as she spoke these words "We'll meet again."


	12. june twenty six

"I'll be right back," Jungeun sighed, getting up from her chair and wincing when her toes touched the burning sand "I'll go for a quick dive. If Haseul calls tell her we won't be joining them for dinner tonight."

Jinsoul nodded, tired eyes hidden behind big, black glasses. She didn't like going to the beach, she would easily get burned, the sea salt would make her hair puff out, and for God's sake, it was ridiculously hot outside. All this combined with Jungeun's odd behavior had got the blonde sulking.

She thought that maybe Jungeun had gotten the files. The times add up. She knew because Vivi had told her, that Jiwoo had a pattern. The patter wasn't hard to figure out, but was rather creepy, how she managed to remember every date of every incident with each girl. That's when she would send the files out. 

Some incidents had happened years ago. It made Jinsoul think that Jiwoo took notes everytime something bad would happen between them, like she had a habit of writing down every signle thing her friends did wrong. It was sick, it made the blonde feel sick.

Jinsoul was alert at all times, if Jiwoo's pattern was right, her file was supposed to be delivered in a few days. Although she couldn't exactly remember the date. 

In no way did she want it to be today though. The day her and Jungeun had gone on a two day trip to Jeju Island, their first real holiday as a couple without the girls following after them at all times. And Jinsoul couldn't afford to mess it up. 

"Should I take you out for drinks tonight?" Jungeun giggled, it sounded fake "I think we're in need of some alcohol. Work has been hectic."

Jungeun sure was. 

"Yes, thank you," Jinsoul leaned forward, lips crushing against her girlfriend's as she played with her damp hair "This trip was definitely needed. I already feel more relaxed."

Jinsoul sure wasn't. 

Especially when her phone went off on the small coffee table, making then pull away quickly. 

"What's up?" Jungeun asked with wide eyes when Jinsoul picked up her phone, teeth coming to bite down on her bottom lip.

Jinsoul had suddenly remembered the date. Her memory traveled back to the actual day of the incident. 

This couldn't be happening, not now.

"please.accept wants to send you an audio file." the blonde spoke out loud, eyes closing in frustration as she pressed the bridge of her nose with two slender fingers. 

Jungeun fell quiet for a little. The sound of the wind and the waves of the sea helping them out of the awkward silence until she managed to put her thoughts into words.

"Play it." she spoke, reaching out to hold Jinsoul's hand.

She couldn't. Jinsoul couldn't play it. Not now. When she was finally together with Jungeun. 

"But—"

"Play it, babe." tone stern, gaze dark. Jungeun looked the most serious she had ever looked. 

The blonde nodded, gulping while she pressed pay on her phone. She turned the screen of and let it rest on the coffee table as she sat back in hair chair comfortably. She was about to get exposed, might as well receive the criticism from her girlfriend while resting her tired and aching bones. 

"Greetings, Jinsoul unnie," the voice she didn't want to hear ever again sounded and Jungeun shivered "It's been long. Don't think I would let you out of the fun."

Jinsoul could feel her heart beating loudly. She was anxious, afraid. She wasn't ready. Her emotions were mixed. Her mind a mess. Why did it have to happen when Jungeun was around? Did Jiwoo want her to never be happy? Becaus if Jungeun heard what Jiwoo had to say, she would regret choosing her over her bestfriend. 

"It's been a while, but I still have some bruises left on my body," Jungeun glared ar Jinsoul "And many more in my heart. But we don't talk about that, do we?"

Great, it started already. The angry glances and the sighs. The tapping of her feet and the sighing. Jinsoul wanted this to end.

"Welcome, Jung Jinsoul," Jiwoo took a deep breath in "To the path of the truth."


	13. jung jinsoul

"I didn't know I was being so annoying," Jiwoo sounded calm, yet Jungeun could feel it wouldn't last for long "To you and Jungeunie."

Jinsoul on the other hand was trying hard not to run off and jump into the ocean, drown herself into the salty waves so she doesn't have to face Jungeun being disgusted by her. She made imaginary scenarios in her mind, where the woman would either kill her by throwing her into a tank full of sharks or leaving her all alone to deal with the mess in her head that Jiwoo had created by coming back. Jinsoul couldn't bear neither of the possibilities. Especially the latter. Jungeun was too important to her, losing her would've been worse than death.

"I'm sorry I'm always such a pain in the ass," she sighed "That in order to get rid of me you had to humiliate me, make me hate myself more than I already did."

The blonde could feel Jungeun's eyes on her and for the first time, she didn't want it. She didn't want her attention. She didn't want to be close to her, hear her suck in a breath everytime Jiwoo talked or feel her leg shake. Jinsoul wanted to be gone. 

"It would've been better if it was you who brought me so much physical pain," spoke Jiwoo "That way, the mental pain you caused might not have been there. Because if it was you, who punched and kicked, you wouldn't have gone any further and I would've been able to brush it off as you having anger issues. I would've known you didn't actually mean it."

Time slowed down, the truth was coming out. Jinsoul accepted the fact that she won't ever be able to escape, that the guilt coming back along with the memories of that day were a sign. A sign she didn't exactly know the meaning of, yet would try to improve herself anyway. Not only for her, but the people around her. Everyone she wanted to keep close, have in her life despite the wrong choices she made. 

"I'm so sorry I made you jealous, think that I was in love with Jungeun," her breathing got heavier as she talked "I'm sorry you felt the only way to stop me from being around you guys you was to hire someone to molest me." 

Jungeun opened her mouth to shout, but nothing came out. Her eyes were wide and her brows knitted as she asked for Jinsoul to explain herself. Though the woman didn't reply. She closed her eyes and took in a breath, she was already in memory lane.

_"Who's that?" asked Jiwoo as she looked at Sooyoung._

_The man in black walked towards the pair, puffing out smoke. He trailed a finger on the _ _red head's_ _ jawline and when he saw she flinched, a loud laugh erupted from within him._

_"You don't remember me, honey?" Sooyoung had backed away, joining Jinsoul's side while man talked. _

_The anger was evident on the woman's face and she scoffed. Her eyes _ _followed_ _ every movement of the man's move, disregarding how uncomfortable Jiwoo looked. _

_"Do you guys want a room?" Sooyoung asked "You can even fuck her, dude. She's totally not my girlfriend."_

_The man in black smirked and looked back at _ _the_ _ two women before returning his attetion to the redhead. Nodding his head, he grabbed her arm and dragged her away. He didn't care the woman was _ _shaking_ _. All he wanted _ _was_ _ money. _

_The money Jinsoul offered._

"I don't know how by destroying my relationship with Sooyoung unnie would make things better, but I—" Jiwoo stopped herself "It doesn't matter. Nothing does."

Jinsoul could imagine the screams, the scratches and kicks, the punching. She didn't want to imagine it anymore. She didn't want the cries to sound in her head, the image of the weak red head trying push herself off the ground.

"At least he used protection," said the younger, making Jungeun bury her face in her hands "Thank you for that I guess."

To this day, the blonde didn't know why she had decided to do such thing. Only when she went home that night did she think back to her actions. She was blinded by anger but knew it wasn't an excuse.

"I hope you dropped Sooyoung unnie back home that night," Jiwoo spoke "I wouldn't want her to get hurt walking back home late at night."

Jinsoul did, she drove the woman back to her apartment and expressed all her frustration towards Jiwoo.

_"I honestly don't know what __I'm_ _still_ _doing__ with her," Sooyoung groaned "First Chaewon, then the video __that__ went around school and now this. Why do I keep letting her back into my heart?"_

_"Yeah, I know right!" Jiwoo had to hurt, she had to be in real pain for Jinsoul to get her revenge. No one could take Jungeun away from her "You should break up with _ _her_ _."_

_Sooyoung _ _thought_ _ of it for a while as _ _she_ _ looked out the window of the _ _moving_ _ car. She had given Jiwoo too many chances to explain and she always said the exact same _ _thing_ _ "They set me up!". It was about time Sooyoung was set free from the relationship that had been stressing her out so _ _much_ _._

_"You're right, I will."_

The blonde wanted the memories erased from her head. For a moment she wanted the earth to shake hard and rip open, suck her in and never let her out.

"You gave her great advice while I having fun with some stranger you hired," it sounded ironic "I was such a bad girlfriend."

Jungeun shook her head, not being able to look at Jinsoul again. Her hands anxiously fiddled with the towel around her body as she waited for the message to be over.

"I hope Jungeun doesn't think the same of you," Jiwoo sighed "Farewell, unnie. I wish you all the best in life."

And it ended, just like that. Leaving the two women not knowing what to do.

"We should talk." Jungeun spoke and sat up, eyes closed as she ruffled her hair.


	14. july twenty eight

Yerim was definitely a girl you'd expect to go out on a Saturday night, party with her friends and flirt around with boys. She was popular, beautiful, charismatic, and smart. The real deal.

"Yeah. I'm not really in the mood, unnie," she spoke into the phone, back against the mattress of her bed and eyes burning holes into the ceiling "Don't worry about it. Just tired from taekwondo practice."

The girl had been looking at the ceiling of her bedroom for hours, trying to find a source of motivation or simply do something. Even if that was get to the kitchen and grab a snack to eat. Anything. Yet Yerim couldn't bring herself to get up.

"I'm not sick, Haseul unnie!" she whined "You don't need to come check up on me. Go have fun!"

From the beggining of the day, Yerim wasn't feeling the greatest. No. She wasn't sick or anything. She had more of like a gut feeling, a knot in her stomach that wouldn't go away. Something like a stomach ache, it twisted her insides, but not exactly that. The girl couldn't exactly describe it.

She had felt like this once again in her life. Many years ago when she was still in highschool. Yerim doesn't like reminiscing those days (although it hasn't been that long since she graduated). She wasn't the best, she knew that. Yerim figured it was the people she hang out with that turned her into a mean girl, someone who liked all attention to be on her either good or bad. She didn't care much about school, classes, her future. 

However, her girls were always there to knock some sense into her. First being Sooyoung. She forced her away from her new friend group in highschool and back to her old one, the one consisting of her eleven childhood friends. The ones she grew up with and spent the best and worst days of her life with. Yerim's friends were her family. The family that cared about her well being, not popularity and good grades.

Sighing, she let her phone rest on her stomach. Her eyes fluttered closed and she hummed, they had been stinging for the longest time and finally closing then was a relief. 

"please.accept wants to send you an audio file."

Not for long. Her eyes widened. 

Yerim heard the screen reader and pushed herself off the bed. Stepping on the piles of clothes on her floor, she reached the door and closed it. The girl would rarely lock the door, especially if her parents were home, but today was an exception. Yerim knew what this was about. Jinsoul and Jungeun had talked about it, it was the reason they took some time apart after all.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm the worst person to have ever walked on this earth," the familiar voice boomed in the girl's room "Don't you?"

Don't we all? 

"Like, that's why people keep fucking me over," Yerim had never heard Jiwoo swear in her life "Because I'm the worst and I deserve it."

Or because the rest are the worst, the girl thought. Herself included. She was aware of everything she put Jiwoo through and was ready to face the consequences, the guilt that will most likely drive her insane. 

"I hope you get to feel this once in your life," Jiwoo breathed out "Fucking over people's life should result to pain. Especially when being their friend, their family."

She was right. Yerim wished she had the guts to scream it out loud, so loud it reached the sky and bounced on the clouds. So loud it swirled around the sun and all the planets, travel the whole universe until it reached Jiwoo.

"But, I'm not surprised at how you acted back then," she chuckled, scratching the back of her head "That's how people like you are raised. People with families who think they on top of everyone else, who teach their kids they should do everything to achieve their goals even if that's by breaking the rules of the game."

Being rich and from a successful family where the legacy of her name mattered more than her being, Yerim was used to her family preaching about fighting hard for keeping your image flawless. Anything that could get her to win, Yerim would do or else she was out of the house. She was disowned and pushed away, sent to live with her aunt who also failed to carry the weight of her title as a Choi. 

Yerim would do everything to win. Even if that was betraying her friends. That's how her life worked.

"Welcome Choi Yerim," the girl shuddered "To the path of the truth."


	15. choi yerim

<span;>“Those rumors you started were the beggining,” the redhead said “And then, everything else came and wrecked me. Destroyed me.”</span;>

_Running for the school's body president was a huge thing and Yerim, a part of the popular group, was very serious about it. She had to get those votes so her rich and pretty friends wouldn't leave her, push her back to her old friend group — which she had left behind because they weren't popular enough — of childhood friends._

_“Did you hear?” the obnoxious squeal of Sakura rung in Yerim's ears “The boys are saying they'll vote for Jiwoo! Kim Jiwoo! Can you believe it?”_

_The brunette frowned, biting her lip as she watched the girls around her erupt in laughter. One of the even accidentally dropped her food from the table from laughing so hard, clutching her stomach and gasping for air._

_“She's, like, totally pathetic!” Jeein rolled her eyes, nudging the girl's side “You're going to take her down, right Yerim-ah?”_

_Was she? Yerim had to. Especially when the girls looked at her this intensely, eyes following her every move and ears perking waiting for her to answer. _

_“Y-Yeah,” she stuttered “Yes I will. She doesn't stand a chance!”_

_The group cheered and the girls smiled, approving of Yerim's response and suggesting ways she would steal the students' votes Jiwoo's sincerity and good will had earned._

_“So what do you think you'll do? To win?” Mihna asked as she bit down on her straw, wiggling her eyebrows when the captain of the basketball team glanced at Yerim's way._

_“If I were you, I would just sleep with Kangnim,” Jiyoung spoke and the rest gasped, shaking their heads and squealing “What? We're not nine years old, you guys. Sex ain't that bad.”_

Jiwoo laughed in the microphone. It sounded loudly and it echoed inside Yerim's head and she held it, pulling at her hair in attempts of getting it out. She knew what was coming.

“But that wasn't it. Sleeping with Kangnim wouldn't be enough,” the redhead said “In order to win, you had to hurt your opponent's image.”

_Yerim looked at Jiyoung and smirked. Kangmin was a ladies man, could never keep it in his pants for longer than a week. He preferred quantity over quality — in this case, stupidity — and didn't mind hurting the girls she slept with. Their feelings didn't matter to him._

_“No, he's full of bullshit,” the brunette replied “But don't worry! I have a way better idea.”_

Yerim hated thinking back to that year. She wished she could stop her past self from acting like a complete douche, hurting one of her best of friends and scarring her for life just for her name being heard, just for the fame.

“I wonder where you found those videos of ‘me’,” Jiwoo sighed “They looked and they sounded so much like me, there was no doubt from the students at school that I was a whore. Besides, those videos only added fuel to the fire. Everyone suddenly remembered the day Chaewon kissed me, the day Sooyoung showered me with fruit punch.”

_Her hands were trembling. One week until the elections and more people seemed to be liking Jiwoo and saying that they'll vote her. Yerim couldn't afford to lose and she wouldn't. Those videos on her computer were the bomb that if not defused, Jiwoo's whole life would blow up._

_The brunette closed her eyes when she pressed ‘share’ on the school's community forum. The phonographic videos of ‘Jiwoo’ were shared for not only all students to see, but the teachers too, who frequently checked the student forum in case of any malicious content being shared._

“I don't even know how you created a fake student account. Did you buy a fake ID for this? Damn, the effort is real,” Jiwoo's voice sounded lifeless, monotonous “Well played!”

Yerim buried her head in her pillow, she opened her mouth to scream. Scream the loudest she ever had, the loudest her vocal cords would let her without ripping, tangling with each other. Yet nothing came out. Only a single tear that ran down her flushed cheek and onto her pillow case.

“You could totally get involved in politics. I'm sure you'd make a great leader, your parents have raised you to be one,” Jiwoo said “You never give up. You never feel bad for destroying your opponent's life as long as your win is guaranteed.”

That next day at school was what Jiwoo imagined hell to feel like. From the night those fake videos were shared until the day of her graduation — where all the students threw things at her when she got up and take her certification — Jiwoo was constantly harassed, both physically and mentally. And Yerim did nothing to help. She wouldn't even talk to the redhead during school hours.

“Jiyoung told me about what you did the night she confessed her feelings for me,” Yerim could tell Jiwoo was smiling behind her microphone as she recorded the file “She was never on board with it and that's why she left your group. At least she could tell her friends were turning her into a whole different person, a very mean one.”

Yerim's heart hurt. Knowing that she was wrong wouldn't make anything up nor help her guilt. Jiwoo was dead and Yerim one of the reason she was driven to insanity. Saying sorry and asking for forgiveness from God wouldn't guarantee her a better life or a place to heaven. Yerim didn't care where she'd end up anyway. From the moment she had fallen so low and did something like this, she didn't deserve to live either.

And sadly, she was one of the few girls that had realized she was at fault. That Jiwoo didn't deserve the way people and her friends treated her.

“I guess it doesn't matter now. I hope your parents will stop forcing you to be someone you're not, nothing hurts more,” she sighed “That's it. We're done. Thankfully for you I'm signing off. Farewell, Yerim-ah.”


	16. october four

"Fall was Heejin's favorite season. Something about the gold — to her — color of the leaves and the way they let go of their hold on the tall trees fascinated her. The big and tall bodies of wood that stood naked to fight against the hungry winds of the deep blue sky and the sound of them trying to resist had all her attetion. She liked to observe the changes of nature, the sounds of the leaves that crushed under her shoe and the smell of the sliglty damp soil when the first rains started."

“I don't get why you like this so much,” a muffled voice sounded as the raven head buried her face in a freshly baked pastry they had purchased just a few moments ago from the local bakery “The weather is so...moody. The transition from summer to winter makes me feel depressed sometimes.”

Heejin laughed as she looked at the face of the girl walking beside her, hands intertwined and in the big pocket of her coat. They were on their usual afternoon walk around town so Heejin could take all the time she wanted to admire the nature and slightly cold and humid weather. Yet Hyunjin, the girl beside her eating the pastry, was never patient enough to look and wander around for long.

“I'm not sure. I find this type of weather inspiring, maybe even a little bit relatable.”

The only way Heejin could distract Hyunjin was with treating her something to eat— preferably bread— and of course, with a lot of soft kisses. But that was for later.

“How can you find a season relatable?” Hyunjin munched on her croissant and jumped, wiggling her arms around when spotting Haseul (their friend) across the street.

“I guess I relate with the leaves that fall off the trees they used to hold onto for so long,” she looked up at the sky, fingers tapping on her chin as she spoke “They remind me of people, of us. We try to hold onto something or someone so hard no matter the big changes and responsibilities we have in our lives. And in the end, we can't take it anymore. We let go, we fall. We let people step on us, hurt us. Just like leaves during Autumn.”

Heejin didn't know if her way of thinking about life was right or if it made any sense to the rest. The only thing she knew was that there's always an end, for some more tragical than the others, more painful and sorrowful. An end that's never good.

“So we're basically leaves,” Hyunjin laughed “That's dope. I wish I was a cat though.”

And the woman was lucky she wasn't one of those people. Thank whoever rules this world she had always had an easy life, been happy. She was thankful for everything she had, but like any other person Heejin had made mistakes. The girl was willing to admit to her mistakes and let them change her view on things, teach her more. She appreciated them.

“Oh!” the raven head dropped her croissant “Your phone is ringing.”

But not for long.

“please.accept wants to send you an audio file.”

Heejin's brows furrowed and she looked at her girlfriend. The girls exchanged unspoken words through quick glances and they agreed on sitting on a bench near the park, deciding to save the audio file and let it play.

“Greetings, Heejin-ah,” their mouth dropped when the voice of Jiwoo's sounded. They weren't expecting her voice to sound, not now “I hope your studies are going well.”

Hyunjin glanced at the girl sitting beside her, noticing how her limbs trembled at the mention of her studies. For a moment, she forgot a dead person was speaking to them and couldn't help but wonder why was her girlfriend reacting the way she was.

“I think, by now, you already know what this is about.” Heejin nodded, it was not secret between the group anymore after Jinsoul's and Jungeun's constant fights “Today not so many years ago,” Jiwoo stopped and laughed, she had lost count of the years “We were taking the most critical exam of our lives. The ones that determined our future.”

How could Heejin forget that day? Admittedly, it was one of the best days of her life. It was the day she took a step closer to making her dreams come true, a step closer to her ultimate goal; medical school.

Even when she was younger Heejin was very different for other kids. She adored reading about all types of things, asked Santa for books rather than toys from when she was old enough to read. Heejin would wake up in the middle of the night when she was younger, the biggest of smiles on her face after dreaming she was a successful doctor. Someone who would be able to help people when they need her the most.

“That scholarship both of us dearly wanted,” Jiwoo spoke “But only one of us got.”

Heejin's passion would soon turn against her. Besides, there's no medicine for guilt.

“Welcome, Jeon Heejin,” she breathed out “To the path of the truth.”


	17. jeon heejin

“There's no doubt you're smart,” Jiwoo confessed “Though I wish despite all the knowledge you have about physics and mathematics, there was a little space in your brain, just a couple of cells, about having and comprehending dignity. About morals and realizing when whatever you're about to do is really shitty.”

Dignity. Morals. Jiwoo was harsh, throwing the words around that Heejin didn't have any. But, truth was, the girl needed to hear it that way. Only then would the realization sink in.

“I guess blaming you makes me a bad person.” she thought to herself “All you wanted was to make your dreams come true even though you could've done it without making a fool of me.”

The realization that the first steps to reaching her goals and dreams were just her stepping on other peoples' backs, pushing them down and trying to get what she desired.

_“Have you prepared for the exams?” Heejin asked, pacing around in the waiting room full of students, candidates for a place in university with a very generous scholarship waiting for those who excelled._

_Jiwoo sighed, fiddling with her pen in her hands. She took her time to look at the faces of the panicked students in the room, feeling their anxiety move from their bodies to her own._

_“Yes, I have. For years now my parents have been going on and on about preparing for this moment, even after they told me to leave home.” she stopped for just a split second, swallowing the lump in her throat “This is my only chance. If something goes wrong, I won't be able to afford education. Maybe my parents will hate me more than they already do.”_

_They laughed. It shouldn't be a joke, however Jiwoo thought it was. Her parents were a joke, their fake words of love and acts of kindness. Everything was just an act. The only thing needed for them to drop their ‘happy parents, happy family’ masks was their daughter's sexuality. The ‘sin’, ‘unforgiven by God illness’, the ‘curse’ that fell on the Kim family once they realized their daughter wasn't how they wanted her to be._

“Making me look like a cheater on those exams costed a lot,” the redhead said “I was on the news too. Funny, right? Because the actual cheater got the scholarship with my exam answers in the end.”

Hyunjin knitted her eyebrows, jabbing with her elbows Heejin's side. The raven head had her eyes closed, head hung low while her long locks hid her face, clenched jaw and flared nostrils.

_The test wasn't what Heejin expected. It was way harder than she thought it would be and she couldn't afford to humiliate herself in front of the committee that would grade her paper, nor her parents that had their expectations high._

_“Hey Jiwoo!” the girl whisper-yelled to the redhead sitting just a seat behind her “Can you help me with these?”_

_She looked around, anxiously tapping her fingers on the desk when the redhead didn't respond. Had she not heard? If Heejin made another noise she could get kicked for attempting to cheat._

_“Hey, Ji!” she tried again and Jiwoo raised her head, fear evident on her face features “Exercise 6B?”_

_“It's prohibited to cheat,” Jiwoo spoke the quietest she could, scribbling on her paper “And talk. I'm really sorry, Heejin-ah.”_

Heejin never considered herself to be selfish. Thinking back on that day, though, proved the exactly opposite. But she expected Jiwoo to understand. Wouldn't she to do same to make her dreams come true?

“The fact that you could afford the school without the scholarship makes it even funnier,” Jiwoo sighed “What was it that you wanted? Recognition from your parents because of your hard work? The whole world to know rich girls don't care about about daddy's money when that's what gets them their degree anyway.”

The raven head wasn't one of those rich girls. She could get her degree by studying, like everyone else does.

“This is bullshit.” she mumbled.

_Failing wasn't an option for Heejin. _

_“Hey what are you—” Jiwoo shouted when the girl snatched her paper and changed the name into her own, waving her arms around as she tried to get the teacher's attention. _

_The man in black took off his glasses, revealing a pair of two big and deadly eyes that sent chills down Jiwoo's back and made her freeze. Forget how to speak._

_“This girl is trying to steal my answer sheets!” who wouldn't believe someone like Heejin? Her image screamed ‘I'm a good girl. A straight A student.’ which she was._

_But not at that moment._

“Do you remember how the whole class mumbled when they kicked me out, banned me from taking the exams ever again?” the redhead asked “I do. I also remember you acting like nothing ever happened. Like everything on our local news was true.”

Jiwoo played along. No one would believe her anyway. Even if people don't like to admit it, they'd still believe everything Heejin said because of who she was and how much her clothes costed, how many rooms her house had, how many hotels her father managed. Everyone would believe the rich girl over the poor girl, who was never liked by her classmates in school and who's name has been brought up in many households. An example to be avoided.

“So it wasn't.” Hyunjin whispered “Of course it wasn't.”

“Baby, look—” Heejin paused the audio file, pushing a few strands of her hair behind her ears as she turned to look at the girl.

“No, you don't have to explain,” she spoke “We're all guilty.”

Hyunjin was usually the one to joke around constantly so hearing her voice drop and seeing her wipe the stupid grin on her face — the one Heejin had fallen in love with — the girl knew her girlfriend was being dead serious.

“I still hope you become the known doctor you've always dreamed of being.” Hyunjin pressed play, leaning her head on Heejin's shoulder when Jiwoo's voice sounded again “Maybe you'll be able to heal people like me. Maybe you won't be the reason they'll end up dead—”

Jiwoo sucked a breath in. Heejin could tell there were tears staining her cheeks the time she recorded it, she always tended to breathe loudly everytime she cried. It was her way of calming herself down.

“—for once.”

However, the day she slit her throat in Haseul's bathroom, breathing in couldn't settle the aching of her heart.

“I'm sorry to cut this session sort, but I don't know if there's anything more to be said.” Jiwoo whispered “Goodbye, Heejin.”


	18. november four

The silhouette of a woman throwing her shirt behind her back reflected on the huge mirror across of the bed. The woman was giving a show for another silhouette, a brunette, laying on the bed and watching with hungry eyes as she swayed her hips left to right.

It was dark in the room yet the expression of lust on both of their faces was very much visible, maybe even glowing. Their thirst was intense, the need to be close to each other overwhelming and their bodies boiling. 

“I need this. You.”

The bed creaked as the second silhouette carefully got on the mattress and climbed to straddle her partner. The brunette's eyes were wide open, trying to make out the details on both of her face and body. Usually, such glaring would case her to shiver and hide. But the eyes of her lover dripped with admiration, not judgment. 

“Gosh, I've missed you so much.”

Lips crashed together, hands intertwined as naked bodies pressed together. It was the perfect moment, something holy, to never be disturbed. 

The brunette's voice rang.

“Fuck.” 

“It's okay, babe,” the woman spoke softly, lips leaving a train of kisses on her lover's chest “You should probably get it.”

The touches were gentle, burning in the most amazing way, soothing down the muscles of the brunette's tired body. 

“It's probably Haseul unnie about that stupid dinner,” Sooyoung, the brunette, sighed “Keep going.”

The woman on top of her laughed, rolling to lay beside her when the phone rang again.

“I forget how eager you are sometimes.”

Sooyoung groaned at the teasing of the woman, attempting to pull her back into her arms. It had been a while since she felt like this, since passion flooded into every atom of her body. Maybe it was her first time. She wasn't exactly sure.

“please.accept wants to send you an audio file.”

The pair fell quiet for a second. That until Sooyoung pressed decline and turned to the woman, wiping the smudged red lipstick on the side or her lips with her fingers. 

“Nothing is as important as this moment. As you are to me.” Sooyoung was never like this, she blamed it on the passion. On her heart that beat excitedly when her eyes landed on Areum, the woman smiling next to her.

“Ew, stop.” she was exactly what her name meant. Nothing and no one was more beautiful than Areum.

“please.accept wants to send you an audio file.”

Areum rolled her eyes, fingers trailing on the arm of Sooyoung's as she tried to convince her to get the phone. 

“I can wait.” she reassured, pushing her off the bed.

“The thing is I can't.” Sooyoung whined and planted a kiss on Areum's forehead, leaning over to grab her robe that she had thrown to the floor earlier. 

Dragging her feet, the brunette walked down the hall of her house and out in the front porch. With the phone in hand, she rested her worked up body against the front door. At least the cold helped her to cool down.

“Unnie.” the audio file started and Sooyoung had to restart it.

Something wasn't right. The color of that voice sounding from her phone had to have faded away many months now, the wavering of it and the heavy breathing every time it's owner cried should only be in Sooyoung's memory. Not in her phone. Not playing loudly from the speaker at 11 PM. Not when her new lover was tucked in her covers, waiting for her.

“Please don't delete this,” the brunette was about to “This experience is for everyone at fault and even if it's foolish, it's only fair for everyone to know. That way I can rest easily.”

Sooyoung scoffed. What more did Jiwoo have to say? Cheating on her twice was enough. Killing herself was enough. Breaking her heart was enough.

“You have to know you played a big part in all of this,” Jiwoo said “As much as I love you, Sooyoung unnie, you have to know you're one of the reasons why.”

The air blew when the brunette shook her head in denial. Maybe it was a sign from Jiwoo, that she was watching over Sooyoung. That she was there at every step of the way from recovering from her death until now. That she was watching her as she laughed with the files she spent so much time making. Maybe Jiwoo was watching. Sooyoung would never know.

“Welcome, Ha Sooyoung,” said the redhead “To the path of the truth.”


	19. ha sooyoung

Heavy breathing, the slow beating of her heart, crickets. That's all Sooyoung could focus on as Jiwoo's voice faded. She wasn't talking, she couldn't find the words.

What was the point then? Why had she sent this if she didn't know what to say?

“First loves always hurt the most,” the redhead whispered “The first heartbreak is the one you always remember.”

Sooyoung sighed. This whole ‘coming to haunt you because you hurt me’ type of files she somehow sent to everyone, causing them to lose themselves in guilt were getting ridiculous.

Sooyoung wouldn't let herself feel guilty because Jiwoo was mentally unstable.

“Tell me about it.” she laughed.

The brunette had distanced herself from the group after Jiwoo died, turned into a more healthy environment. With people that made her happy. She didn't or ever wanted to know what Jiwoo spoke of in the files she sent her friends. She didn't care to know of ‘the truth’, Jiwoo could be lying again.

“I think, a part of me even if dead will always regret leaving you like that.” the redhead confessed “Though I never lied about loving you.”

“Yet you never treated me right.” Sooyoung thought to herself. She huffed in annoyance, playing with the ends of her dark hair.

They could've been the perfect couple, the one everyone was jealous of. A couple like Heejin and Hyunjin, both having so different lives yet being able to combine them perfectly. They let their love drive them crazy — though Heejin always set boundaries — take their time to fully trust each other, make sacrifices. Compromise.

Sooyoung and Jiwoo could've been perfect

“But you cheated on me—”

“But you never believed me—

Silence. Yet again. Jiwoo was completely unprepared when turning on her mic, she thought it would've been easier to talk to the love of her life about how much she hurt her. She did it with the rest of the girls. Why couldn't she do it with Sooyoung?

“The rumors, fake news, gossip. All of this, Sooyoung, was the only thing you were willing to listen.” Jiwoo said “Never did you give me a chance to explain myself about the things you accused me of doing.”

_Her hand was shaking as she grabbed her phone from the ground. It's screen was shattered, it barely worked while Jiwoo rushed to unlock it._

_She sniffled once putting the phone to her ear, desperately wanting the pain in her body to dissapear. Her stained flesh to burn, melt, anything to get the feeling of him touching her away._

_“What the fuck do you want now, Jiwoo?” spoke the clearly pissed woman “Now that you hooked up and got it all out of your system you want to say that you love me and it's not what I thought it was?”_

_Jinsoul's laughter echoed in the background and Jiwoo couldn't help but break down in tears. It was all happening again, just like the time with the leaked phonographic videos that got her in so much trouble. Sooyoung never believed her._

_“Please—”_

_Sooyoung hung up, rolling her eyes at the trembling voice of Jiwoo's. She was a very good actress, the whole world knew about it by now after her videos blew up on the internet_

“You trusted what other people had to say about me,” Jiwoo breathed out “Their opinions were more valid than the truth. Right?”

The brunette clenched her phone, her head that was previously resting against the door now banging on it. She wanted Jiwoo's voice to stop. She wanted Jiwoo to leave her head, her memories. She wanted her gone. For good.

“You sat and made fun of me, joined the bandwagon of hate even when we were together.” the redhead sighed “You broke up with me because I was ruining your image. The bad girl, the hot girl, that had everyone chasing after her.”

_Sooyoung hadn't asked about the bruise on under her eye, her legs that gave out after walking for more than a few minutes. She hadn't asked about her screams and cries every time she hid in the school's bathroom, the wails that nearly shook the whole building to the ground._

_“It's the best for both of us.” was all she spoke when she told her they were over “I can't afford having a bad name because of you, you understand?”_

_Sooyoung hadn't asked about the tears constantly pooling in the girl's eyes, the voices that sounded inside her head. She hadn't asked about the fake smiles Jiwoo put on every time she was forced to to out. _

_The brunette didn't care._

_“But—”_

_“I have to go.” _

That's how easily she took back the three words she promised she had used sincerely.

“I love you, Sooyoungie.” Jiwoo whispered “We'll meet again soon.”


	20. november seventeen

The smell of freshly cut and sauted vegetables lingered in the air of the small kithen where the sweaty bodies of the cooks squeezed close to one another as they tried to fit in the room and get their job done. The kitchen was usually all over the place, "highly unprofessional" would the owner say, scolding the staff with the sweetest and most adorable smile on her face. However, today, her daughter had come to help and coordinate the kitchen. 

Hyunjin was a perfectionist, wanted everything to be in running order around the kitchen. Her mother's noodles was the beggining to her passion for cooking and when she opened a noodle bar near their old family house downtown, Hyunjin knew the love she had for food and cooking wasn't something ordinary. 

"Mister Ryang is here!" she heard her mother call out from the front and she nudged Sanghoo, the head cook, reminding him to keep his workplace organized despite the many people outside waiting to be served.

"The usual?" Hyunjin scremead back, laughing as everyone ran around. During the weekend her mother's shop was full of people, some of them even waiting outside just so they could come in and order.

"Yes, honey. For three this time, his grandchildren are here from Hanam."  
Mister Ryang was a very special client who frequently came to their shop and often looked for company rather than food. After his wife passed away, he was left alone as his daughter had moved to another city to live with her husband and start a new life. So he spent his free time in the noodle shop, enjoying the homemade food he so much had missed and meeting new people, making their day with his unique character and sense of humor.

"Alright mother." 

Whenever Hyunjin found some spare time, she would always help her mother. Especially after she got into the culinary school she dreamed of going to, she was a great help to the head cook — they wouldn't really trust her in the kitchen before she started studying, the girl was very clumsy — and the rest of the staff. She even had promised to take over the business once her mother was old and tired and couldn't keep up standing at the cash register day.

"Here you go!" her voice echoed above others' and her fingers tapped on the small bell on the counter as she tried to get her mother's attention. 

Even if the noodle bar was going very good and was one of the most popular in the region, Hyunjin's father never approved. He believed women should stay behind, raise the children and look after the house while the man did the work. Thus, it only made sense he was mad when he found out his wife was working, that she was running her own shop without asking for his permission. 

But he didn't leave. Why would he?

The money coming out of the noodle bar made him forget all about his ancient believes and although still not approving of his wife working, he managed to stay quiet. And, of course, the money she brought home did take some of his bitterness away. 

"Alright. Thank you, honey." her mother replied and wiped off the sweat on her forehead "You should take a break now, Eunyoung said your phone is blowing up."

Hyunjin laughed, it was probably her friends sending in their orders. They knew she would be working with her mother today and would never forget the promise she had made the first time she worked there; to bring everyone food after her shift ended. It was kind of like a tradition that stopped after Jiwoo's passing, yet Haseul somehow had managed to convince everyone to join her tonight on the roof of her home and eat noodles, look at the stars and talk. Remnisce about the old times, catch up on the many things going on in their lives.

Grabbing a bowl and a pair of chopsticks, the girl moved at the back of the bar for a while. Her stomach grumbled when she brought the first mouthful to her lips and she whined, she had barely eaten breakfast this morning. 

"Let's see." she sighed, scrolling through her notifications.

Hyunjin slurped down the noodles, humming when their rich taste enveloped her taste buds. She nodded and furrowed her eyebrows when one strange notification popped up.

"please.accept wants to send you an audio file."

The moment she had been waiting for. It was finally here yet the timing seemed completely off. Hyunjin couldn't think of what today meant, Jiwoo had a habit of sending her files at a particular day. The day all girls went wrong. 

"Hyunjin-ah," the girl coughed when hearing Jiwoo's voice "How you've been?"

Hyunjin put the noodles aside, bringing the speaker close to her ear as she walked closed to the window. Even if she knew it was coming, something about hearing the redhead's voice again had her sweating. 

"I hope you and Heejin have been doing well," said Jiwoo "Considering you did so much to get her and keep her."

Everything was suddenly feeling hot. The girl wanted to jump out of her clothes, let her body cool down under cold water in the shower.

"Welcome, Kim Hyunjin," the redhead sighed "To the path of the truth."


	21. kim hyunjin

"Love, it sounds so nice, being in love. I reckon, such feeling can never be described accurately through words. Don't you agree? It's just so...much. So deep," Jiwoo spoke "Love makes us do stupid things, sometimes completely remove the ability to control ourselves and our actions. Don't you agree? I think you do."

Hyunjin couldn't do nothing more than to nod, letting her face peek out of the window for just a split second in attempts of cooling her body down. Outside was cold, it had even rained last night. The winter was near again, the girl thought to herself and sighed.

"Our need to impress the person we think is the one pushes every other sense of responsibility away, I guess." she laughed a little "I'm pretty sure you know what I mean. I don't have to explain it further, right?"

Sure. Hyunjin thought it was normal for someone in love to do everything in their power to impress and win over the one they had fallen for. The one that deserves to be put as their priority for a while, the one that they'll get reckless for if needed.

That's how she got Heejin anyway—

"Oh." Hyunjin backed away from the window. She has just realized what today meant.

"As Heejin's friend, you knew she liked bad boys or bad girls and once you were sure you had fallen for her, you decided to prove to her how much of a bad girl you were. I get it." said the redhead "I mean, I get that you would do everything for love. I wish I had the guts to do so myself, be bold and all."

The girl shook her head as the memories flooded her brain. As much as she loved Heejin, she would never do what she had done again. Not to Jiwoo not to anyone only for the raven head to like her.

"You could easily have saved me back then, but I guess having the seniors record as you pushed the guys away and started punching me was a wiser choice. A choice that could get you the girl."

Thankfully, before Hyunjin could show the video of her punching Jiwoo to Heejin, she came forward. The brunette can still remember that day, when she dragged her at the side of the track field during practice and shyly confessed her feelings. The way her voice got high pitched when she started talking about how completely different Hyunjin was from the people she would usually crush on, it had to be the most adorable thing in the world. Especially when Heejin spoke of how special Hyunjin is and how blessed she felt to have been able to be best friends with her since forever.

_No one liked the freshmen, they were just boring. Their experience in "the real deal" that is high school" was limited and everyone felt the need to roll their eyes at them when they acted like they owned the place, like they were old enough to go against everyone else. So, when the seniors got the opportunity to pick on one of them because of the drama they caused during their party a week ago, they decided they would go hard._

_The whole school was talking __about_ _that__ redhead freshman_ _that__ literally got showered with fruit punch by her girlfriend at the party, __taking__ all the focus away __from__ the fact that the basketball championship had started and the school's team— mostly consisting of seniors— was playing one of it's most important games__ this week. _

"The decision to attack me was rather stupid," laughed the girl "But that's boys."

_And so, the boys of the basketball team stood outside the girls' locker room, knowing the redhead freshman was always one of the last to leave the room while Hyunjin hid behind a group of girls, probably the dudes' girlfriends who had their phones on and cameras turned towards the doors of the locker room. They waited for just the right moment to capture the terrified face of Jiwoo's and later share it so everyone could see. _

"If they wanted to get the focus away from me they should've done something else," Jiwoo scoffed "Are guys always this stupid?"

_Jiwoo's face __when__ she got __out__ of the locker __room_ _was__ indeed priceless __and__ the girls recording broke out in laughter __when__ the first __guy_ _ran_ _towards__ the small redhead._

_Hyunjin took a deep breath in, carefully watching __the__ guys' __big_ _bodies__ relentlessly __mess with__ Jiwoo's as she squealed and cried, asking what __she_ _did_ _wrong_ _or__ what __could__ she do __for__ them to stop._

"When you walked towards me I thought you'd do something to scare them away, just like you do to the birds Heejin is so afraid of for some reason." chuckled the redhead "Yet you punched me. I must admit though, that was one hell of a punch."

_The_ _girl__ didn't know how had she gotten the courage to stand up and __run__ towards Jiwoo on __the__ ground, push the tall guy from on __top__ of her and __take__ his place. She didn't know why had she __brought__ her fist __square__ to Jiwoo's __face__ so __many__ times or __how_ _had__ she left __her__ lying there while asking __for_ _the__ seniors __for__ the video __they__ took of her __beating__ her __friend__ up._

"You outdid yourself." Jiwoo couldn't stop laughing, however the laughter didn't sound genuine. It was bitter, maybe even a little bit ironic "And you got the girl too. So double win, right?"

_Hyunjin had left the locker rooms, ran __towards_ _the__ track field where practice __would__ be __held__ later. She couldn't believe what she had done, she couldn't convince herself she was actually the one __to__ hurt her very __good__ friend. That instead of __helping__ throughout this mess, she went in there __and__ made it many times worse._

"Acting like the black eye you gave me was from a fall was very hard, no one would believe me." the redhead said once her laughter subsided "I couldn't even tell people about the seniors, thinking people wouldn't take me seriously—"

"Until the videos came out." Hyunjin whispered, feeling the noodles she had previously eaten threatening to spill to the floor from deep within her stomach.

"Until the videos came out," she continued "And somehow you managed to cut the part of you punching me out."

It took a lot of pleading, Hyunjin would never forget. She had even given the girls coupons for free food at her mother's noodle bar, where she would serve them regularly.

"It's alright. At least you got the girl." the girl breathed out, disappointment evident in the tone of her voice "I wish you guys will be together 'till the end of days. You deserve all the happiness in the world."

Hyunjin swallowed a sob when Jiwoo's voice broke and later faded, heavy breathing replacing the ironic laughter that earlier echoed from her phone's speaker in the back room of the bar.

The rain had started again and the brunette closed the window, resting her forehead against it for a while as if to relieve the throbbing pain in her head with the glasse's cool temperature. It didn't quite work, the aching wouldn't just go away like that. Regardless, Hyunjin didn't move. Not even when Jiwoo bid her goodbyes...for the second time.

"It's been nice talking to you," she sighed "Farewell Hyunjin-ah."


	22. december fourteen

The days felt too long all of a sudden, like the light in the sky and the business of the roads didn't want to go away in case they'll be forgotten by people. Like they were afraid they'll never be appreciated again as the coziness and quietness of the night enveloped the tired bodies of the individuals who have just been through an exhausting day. 

The daylight clinged annoyingly tight onto the darkening sky despite it being winter. A strong wind blew, making the tiny snowflakes dropping from the fluffy clouds dance around in the air. Their landing had no specific destination, some found shelter on the ground, some on the leaves of the trees, and some on the windows of the highest apartments in the large skyscraper downtown. 

Haseul sighed, one snowflake had landed on her nose as she climbed up the slide on the playground. Children and the parents accompanying them were all staying in today, it was too cold for them to stay outside for more than a couple of minutes. And so, the short haired brunette enjoyed the emptiness of the playground, bringing her earphones to her ears and humming to her favorite songs as she watched the cars come and go.

That specific playground was never empty, even when she was a little girl. Every kid from the area would whine to their parents about going there. Back then it was because of the ice cream truck that passed by every couple of hours, Haseul could recall almost every single one of her friends' reaction when they would hear the soothing song it played from it's speakers. Now, it was probably out of habit. There wasn't anything special about the playground she and her friends had grew up in anymore, the ice cream truck had stopped passing by many years ago when it's owner retired. A new, wild and very busy road opened, making it dangerous for the children to freely play around and the air was polluted. The beautiful trees and flowers that Haseul would scold the girls about picking didn't grow anymore, that part of the playground was now a parking lot.

Haseul laughed to herself for thinking about the past too much, for bringing images of her friends' faces when they were younger to her head. Images of the girls she grew up with, the girls she loved. She found it silly, that she kept reminiscing the old days where they were all young and innocent. When they were all happy and smiling, not having to care about a thing in the world.

She was there to watch the girls grow up — apart from Vivi, but she loved her equally— as one of the oldest. Haseul was always the person their parents would trust, she was always the one in charge when they were old enough to go out without supervision. She was and still is the mom of the group, her first priority being protecting her friends. Her family.

"please.accept wants to send you an audio file."

The brunette didn't hesitate, taking off her glove to tap on the cracked screen — her phone had accidentally fell from Yeojin's hands some months ago when Haseul found her crying at a cafe, forcing the younger to call her parents and later accompanying them to the hospital where she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder — of her phone. 

"This shouldn't come as a surprise to you, unnie," Jiwoo chuckled, breathing out against the microphone "I knew you expected this."

Haseul closed her eyes, letting the voice of Jiwoo's send tingles down her back. It was the first time in a while she had heard her so relaxed, calm. Usually and until the night before Jiwoo ended everything, the brunette would have to sleep with her, listen to her cries of despair as she ran her fingers through her red hair. She patiently waited for the younger's heartbeat to settle, her limbs stop twitching. For he voice to stop wavering. 

"You have always been there for everyone," said the redhead "You have always been like a second mother to all eleven of us."

Haseul was. She wanted to. She needed to.

"I can still remember the day we first met at the park near your house," Jiwoo sighed "I hope you're there now, listening to this while traveling back in time."

How could Haseul ever forget? How could she ever forget a five year old running towards her, a seven year old at the time, and handing her a tooth. The first tooth Haseul had ever lost that fell from her mouth when they were all playing hide and seek (their mothers would make them meet many other kids and make friends) in the park.

"I don't know how I can still remember giving you your tooth back," laughed the redhead "It was over a decade ago."

That day at the park all eleven of them had met (Vivi joined their group years later) just like many other times, but surely none of them could recall the first actual meeting. There were too many people at the park, too many lost memories, replaced by other dark and scary. Just like Jiwoo's death, Haseul thought, that was a memory she wouldn't ever be able to replace. An image in her head that will never be erased.

"Welcome, Jo Haseul," spoke the girl calmly "To the path of the truth."


	23. jo haseul

A car honked loudly at another whose owner yelled and banged on his steering wheel. The traffic was suffocating and the pace in which the snow was falling had the people who just ended their shifts worrying about getting back home before the road was covered. Handling a car sliding onto a thin layer of ice and snow is no easy task.

However, Haseul didn't mind. She couldn't care less about her car parked in the lot just by their childhood park. She could easily walk back home despite the snowfall, her house wasn't that far anyway. All the brunette wanted to do was relax, listen to everything Jiwoo had to say as she brought back old memories in attempts of filling the emptiness the redhead's death had left in her heart.

"Sometimes I wonder if any of us really deserve you," spoke Jiwoo "You have been looking out for us more than our own families since the moment we met."

Haseul knew that by 'us' Jiwoo meant 'me', she was trying hard not to get emotional. Jiwoo was a person flooding of emotions and once she realized people hated her for it, she tried masking them in many ways. Every type of emotion, even if that was graditude.(just like now). Jiwoo had learnt not to let it show or else she'll be targeted, laughed at. 

"I don't know what would have I done if you weren't kind enough to let me stay at your family's house when my parents kicked me out," Haseul was the only reason the redhead kept fighting "You saved me."

Meeting Jiwoo when they were still very young, Haseul often thought about how bright and successfull the younger would be in the future. Little Haseul would always rant to her mother about how much Jiwoo had made them laugh with her impersonations of wild animals they had read about in books at school or the silly cartoon characters of the shows the redhead would sneak in the living room at night and watch on the television all by herself when her parents went to bed. She wanted to be an actress, but could never stand up to it. Jiwoo didn't believe in herself, that was one of her most noticeable flaws. She let other people define her, tell her who she can and can't be, what she can and can't do.

_Having the whole class laugh at her was a first. Jiwoo didn't know what had she said to make everyone laugh this much. It was extremely embarrassing as not only her grade — first — was gathered at the auditorium, but every other grade up until fourth. _

_"I don't get it, she only answered what she wants to be __when_ _she__ grows up." Haseul whispered at her classmate __from_ _the__ very back __of__ the large room where the third graders where standing "An actress is a very cool job. It suits her."_

_The young __girl__ on __the__ stage bowed, eyes glistening from __the__ tears pooling in them and little fits clenching while she ran backstage, falling into __the_ _arms__ of her teacher as she mewled loudly. _

_"Don't be silly, Haseul-ah!" her classmate _ _laughed_ _ along, playfully pushing the brunette _ _away_ _ by the shoulders._

Jiwoo never thought of herself as enough to do anything. Every opinions others had of her she would believe and most of the times would subconsciously adapt behaviors fitting to them. Just like that one time she was convinced she was a big eater because Sooyoung and Yeojin started teasing her about eating a pot of noodles all alone after track practice back in high school.

_"__You're_ _going__ to explode, take it easy." sighed Haseul, picking her plate from __the__ table "You never eat this __much__. Are you alright?"_

_Jiwoo laughed and nodded as she quickly ate the third bowl of tofu stew Haseul's mother had made __before_ _leaving__ for __work_ _that__ morning "Yeah!" it looked like __she__ wanted to throw __up__ "I'm a big eater, remember?"_

_Jiwoo wasn't, she could barely finish a bowl of stew. She had always been like that, eaten so little yet was full and energized. _

"You were the reason I stopped myself from doing this way earlier," the red head breathed out "I've been thinking about it since way before everything that happened between the girls and I."

Haseul shook her head, squinting her eyes tightly and trying to get the image of little Jiwoo telling her all of this. With her high-pitched voice and beautiful, big, round eyes that had your heart melting, the deadly smile that whenever she flashed it you couldn't help but smile too, how she would bounce up and down when she was excited or the tears that would stream down her face from laughing so hard.

"I was unhappy and didn't even know why, there wasn't something that could possibly upset me so much it made me want to end my life," Jiwoo spoke loudly into the microphone, the squeaking of the chair she was sitting on sounding in the background. She was upset, she usually shook her legs whenever something was bothering her to an extreme extent "Until everything else happened. And I'm still unhappy, I still hate myself."

It was like one of the days the brunette had stumbled on Jiwoo crying, talking to herself about how worthless she was. Like one of the days she would lock herself in the guest bedroom and kindly decline every single one of Haseul's offers, either that was eating or simply hanging out and laughing over the many old comedies the older's father had stored in a huge green box in the basement.

"At least now I have an excuse," Jiwoo's voice shook "There's a reason I want to kill myself. Many of them."

Haseul could imagine only by the color of her voice in what state Jiwoo was while recording the file. Her hair would probably be messy, she surely wouldn't have brushed them. She would probably be in her pajamas, the pair Haseul had bought her for her birthday. She surely wouldn't have showered that morning. Tears would probably threaten to spill from her beautiful brown orbs and soothe the stinging of them from staying up all night. There surely would be dark bags under her eyes that she would conceal by simply smiling big once she got out of the room. Jiwoo's eyes dissapeared every time she smiled.

"And you are one of them," she spoke and Haseul bit her lip "But not because you hurt me."

That smile. Oh how much had the brunette missed seeing it, the genuine one. It had been so long Haseul had seen Jiwoo genuinely happy. Almost a year. Last time she saw her real smile was the day she ended her misery, the day she ended everything;

**The 28th of December. **

"It's because of me, because I hurt you." surely there were tears spilling from the red head's orbs.

"What?" the brunette breathed out, not minding the snow that had started to cover the screen of her phone.

"You've always looked after me, after all of us," Jiwoo cried, it was loud, ear piercing, it hurt "Never after yourself and if something ever happened to you, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself."

Haseul couldn't help but join Jiwoo. She never cried, the older was always composed. But knowing she had failed to save her, failed at her job as a good friend tortured her. It didn't let her sleep at night.

"If you were hurt because you focused on taking care of us rather than yourself I don't think I could've handled it," the red head whined "And it sounds stupid, I know. You're obviously beating yourself up for everything that happened now."

Haseul was. Every second of every day she would remind herself Jiwoo's death was her fault.

"Even though you knew."

And no matter what Jiwoo said, the feeling deep in her chest and the voices that echoed inside her head would never be satisfied. It was Haseul's fault. She wasn't able to save her.

"Please stop hurting yourself by taking responsibility for this. It was not your fault," Jiwoo sniffled "You know what to do next. See you soon. I love you!"


	24. december twenty eight

The sun barely peaked behind the thick clouds on the dark sky, it's beams almost invisible as they reflected on the window of the dinning room currently occupied by eleven women. The large dinning room looked as elegant as ever, with it's expensive furniture that was expertly designed by the hands of the best artists in the world and perfectly placed in the room to create the best possible atmosphere. However, the sea of blacks spilled over the white marble on the floor and the fluffy cushions of the chairs' by the glass dinning table didn't seem to care about the aesthetic.

"It's already been a year." Chaewon was the first to talk since they all met at the cemetery for the memorial this morning, tiny fists gripping a black handkerchief.

No one knew what to say anymore, what to think. No one knew how to act once they walked by their friend's grave or comfortably sit in the dinning room where they last saw her alive. Exactly one year ago.

"Only this year there aren't any presents," Vivi tried joking, wanting to see at least one smile break on the girls' face yet failing miserably. She shifted in her spot on the floor, whining when the pain in her broken arm got unbearable "Sorry."

"Sit on Sooyoun's seat," Haseul grinned and almost laughed at the older who struggled to get up "She won't use it anyway." the woman sighed and eyed the brunette pacing around. Sooyoung didn't exactly want to be there, but couldn't skip it either. She was mad yet extremely sad.

"Thanks." a subtle kiss followed and then silence, usually the girls would go crazy over the new couple.

This wasn't an after Christmas dinner like the others. The girls hadn't even noticed, the tradition of getting together, eating and exchanging gifts had already died down since last year. No matter what they did, either that was going out or even simply talking to each other, something was different. Something really important was missing and after Jiwoo passed, all the girls knew they would never be able to find it again. No person in this world could ever replace Jiwoo and her energy, her personality. Her.

"Why are we here? The memorial is over." Sooyoung mumbled, black shoes tapping on the marble as she paced back and forth on the hallway "Let's just go home. Staying in Haseul's house doing nothing is pointless. I've got errands to run."

Her voice echoed, low and breathy as she rasped out words without a meaning. Words that carried no emotion, no thoughts hidden behind them, waiting to reveal themselves. They were pointless, empty. Just a bunch of words she forced herself to speak, heavy marbles that barely rolled off her tongue and to the ground, bouncing into nothingness.

"If you don't like it why are you here?" Gowon was quick to her feet, attempting to walk towards the brunette "Seriously, get the fuck out or shut the fuck up!"

Hyejoo from beside the blonde sighed, grabbing her arm to keep her in place and later, rubbing circles on her back to soothe the nerves. She too had been wondering why exactly was she there, clearly the rest didn't feel like reliving the worst day of their life either. They didn't want to talk about what had happened, what Jiwoo had left behind or create theories about how she shared the files. Not this time. Not today.

"Sooyoung unnie is right though," spoke Jinsoul, head resting on her hands as she subtly looked at the woman seated across of her "This is only making things worse, being here and just doing nothing. Bringing back memor—"

"You guys are being too loud!" Jungeun slurred, eyes heavy and lips swollen. Her head rested on the table and her fingers clutching her hair as she shouted for everyone to stop talking. She was drunk, a complete mess.

"Actually," Haseul breathed out, letting go of Vivi's hand as she stood up "There's a reason you all are here today."

Ten pairs of eyes turned to glare at her, scanning her every movement as she walked further into the living room.

"Lunch?" asked Hyunjin, earning a slap from her girlfriend.

"Are you retarded?" the youngest, Yeojin, mumbled and rolled her eyes. Something in the way her heart beat felt odd, usually it would beat like this when she was about to have a panick attack but now she was surprisingly calm.

"Shut it shortstack!" Hyunjin spat and Yerim chuckled in the distance.

Chaos.

Voices filled the entirety of Haseul's home, the girls were back to annoying the neighbors for being too loud. Between the younger, a friendly fight broke out, a roasting battle. Between the older an actual one, a debate on whether or not the girls trust each other, with a lot of fingers being pointed at who was actually the reason Jiwoo did what she did.

Haseul grabbed the remote, smiling as she pushed the button.

"Hey, girls." that familiar voice sounded.

There was silence once again, all heads turned to the television in Haseul's living room.

"Who thought there'd be a video version of this stupid confession audio file thing," Jiwoo laughed but her face didn't show any short of emotion "Sorry for the mess, but I couldn't wait any longer to film this."

Gasps. Hands linking, bodies pressing close. All girls, apart from Haseul, were all seated now on the floor in front of the television. They had forgotten about their fights from some seconds ago and embraced each other, watching Jiwoo in the small screen.

"This is so weird, I know. But it won't take long," Jiwoo brushed her bangs out of the way, sighing "Welcome, everyone, to my file. To the end of the path."


	25. kim jiwoo

The figure seated on a cranky, old chair sighed. Her shoulders slumped, while her red and long hair sprawled on her white t-shirt. From the looks of it, she hadn't slept in a long time. Her eyes were dark and heavy, dried tears clinging onto her cheeks, and red, chapped lips she would occasionally bite down onto.

"Unnie..." Chaewon whispered. None of the girls had ever seen Jiwoo like that. She would always take care of her self, dress nicely and smell of fabric softener — she preferred using deodorant rather than expansive perfumes. There was no need in spending so much money when she could just wash her clothes, something that a lot of people (mostly boys) didn't seem to know was an option and would cover the sweat smell of their shirts with distasteful, strong and 'manly' perfumes.

Behind the chair was a wall, pictures of her friends and posters of her favorite band hang up on it. On the floor, clothes and pieces of papers were scattered, as well as the stuffed toy animals she collected. The girls would tease her for collecting stuffed toys, saying she was too old, and she truly was. Yet to Jiwoo they brought happiness, a sense of safety. They provided a tiny amount of the warmth she needed as she hugged them close at night, when the thoughts in her head were too loud and wouldn't let her sleep.

"This, I don't really know what this is," the red head commented "Not the video. I mean the files."

Sooyoung laughed at the pathetic woman in the screen, shifting her weight from one leg to another as she waited for her to just stop talking. Leave for good.

"It's the first time I'm actually thinking how bad this might've affected you, how useless blaming you for my pain is," she spoke "When we all know the one at fault is actually me."

"Wait is she serious?" Jungeun asked and the group erupted in loud whispers, most disagreeing with the red head's statement.

"Truth is, I'm weak. I couldn't keep up with the fact that life can be a bitch sometimes." Jiwoo said "I should probably take the blame for everything and realize I had to actually talk to you about what happened between us. I should've been brave enough to come forward, say to your face how bad you all fucking hurt me."

Her voice was loud, pouring of all kinds of emotions. It broke, squeaked, was completely off tune at times. Jiwoo was finally expressing herself.

"That's why I'm including myself in all of this," she reached behind her for a second, fingers grabbing a group photograph from the wall "Because, in the end, it was me who couldn't bare to breathe anymore, look themselves in the mirror, keep up smiling and laughing. It was me who let all of you bring me down, drive me deep into insanity. Me. I let myself get lost. I forced myself to act like I was happy around you. It was me who inspired you to be so cruel, I must've done something."

Looking at the picture in her hands and the faces of the smiling girls embracing one another, Jiwoo could only see their innocence as children, their curious eyes. She could hear their laughter and whining, their stuttering and wrong use of the word 'boring' — Jinsoul would insist it meant amazing and slowly influenced everyone in saying it.

"So, I'm apologizing." she didn't look into the camera anymore "To each and every one of you."

The girls exchanged glances of confusion, not knowing why Jiwoo was blaming herself all of a sudden when she was so cold and mean in the files she sent out. They all, apart Sooyoung, had come in terms with the terrible things they had done to Jiwoo and worked on accepting the fact that they pushed her into killing herself.

"Why do all this and then apologize?" Hyejoo mumbled "She always finds courage when we're not around, no wonder she couldn't keep up."

Haseul paused the video and all attention was now drawn to Hyejoo, the rest looking at her in disbelief. From the very back of the room, Sooyoung chuckled and nodded, agreeing with the raven head.

"She isn't as brave, like a lot of other people, Hyejoo-yah!" spoke Vivi "If we hadn't hurt her to this extent she wouldn't have done this, she might even have developed a little bit more confidence rather than blaming herself for every bad thing we did to her."

"Somehow the blame is always on her," thought Heejing to herself "Like that one time we were preparing a group project back in highschool that determined our grade and Yeojin lost the flash drive with the presentation. We both blamed her for some reason and she didn't stand up for herself, she came forward when the professor asked whose fault it was."

Yeojin coughed, fiddling with her fingers. Bringing this memory back made her sliglty uncomfortable "Yeah, her grade was really bad while ours..."

"Yeah!" sounded Yerim "She always took the blame and we let her. Think about it."

Hyunjin stood up, letting go of Heejin's hand. She ran her fingers through her silky hair as she sighed, looking down at the girls seated on the floor, Haseul by the TV holding the remote while deep in thought, and lastly Sooyoung who had her back turned to everyone. She hadn't stopped pacing around nor fiddling with the necklace around her neck. She surely was bothered, yet wouldn't for the love of whatever God existed talk like the rest. Get the weight off her back.

"What she mentioned in the files wasn't the only bad thing we did to her." spoke Hyunjin, slowly walking to the kitchen. She needed something to cool her down, soothe the burning feeling of guilt inside of her.

"We've been hurting her since day one, all of us," Jungeun whispered "And to this day, even if dead, she still takes the blame."

Haseul's eyes opened at Jungeun's words, the hairs at her nape suddenly standing. Shaking her head, she moved to continue playing the video. The girls had finally gotten the memo. Had finally thought someone other than themselves, figured they weren't as perfect as they believed they were towards others. And this lesson that Haseul had been trying to teach them all of those years, Jiwoo did in only one. One year filled with tears and pain, a million unanswered questions.

"Vivi unnie," her voice sounded over the silence once again "I'm sorry I felt like you needed to sacrifice your freedom for the harassment to stop. I'm sorry I accused you of being a murder when I could've easily been the one to call an ambulance, all by myself, while you hid in the safety of your own home."

Jiwoo overreacted, that's what she made herself believe once she finished recording Vivi's file. It was because she was hallucinating probably, cutting herself off her medication brought wild side effects, including massive flashbacks, massive memory waves as she called them. Those memory waves didn't let her sleep, they kept repeating, reminding her of the day they met.

_Jiwoo didn't know how she had gotten __herself_ _into__ this situation, on the ground of the library with what __seemed_ _to__ be a __million__ books around her. Yes, she was clumsy, but __never__ so much that she nearly knocked __down__ a bookshelf full of heavy encyclopedias about animals of __the__ wild. It was probably __the__ names she had to __remember_ _that__ messed her head, she __would__ soon be called to present her project in front of the class and she still couldn't keep up with __the__ many species and weird __Latin__ names. She was anxious. That's why she had stumbled __and__ fell, the girl told herself, without __wanting__ to admit she was just terribly clumsy._

_"Hey, need help with that?" a voice sounded _ _and_ _ a figure _ _walked_ _ past the empty shelves, poking her head through them. _

_The girl in denim and plain, blue top giggled. With a brush of her fingers across __her_ _face__, __she__ revealed her breathtaking features as she __pushed__ the soft looking strands of __her__ red __hair__ behind her __ear__. She definitely was older, Jiwoo thought, __her_ _face__ looked matured __and__ she had even gotten rid of her baby fat._

_"Uh."_

_She was intimidating to say _ _the_ _ least, especially with _ _that_ _ accent of hers. Jiwoo wondered where in the world could _ _there_ _ possibly be more people like her whilst watching _ _her_ _ come closer and kneel _ _down_ _, picking up books. _

_"Thank you," Jiwoo mumbled "And sorry for bothering."_

_"No problem," the girl shrugged "All elementary schoolers _ _are_ _ clumsy, it's okay for _ _kids_ _ to mess up once in a while."_

_Jiwoo frowned, jumping on her feet. With her eyebrows furrowed __and__ fists clenched, she breathed in as __if__ to talk back to the strange girl that suddenly __came_ _out__ of nowhere. Jiwoo wasn't a __kid__. She was grown and __the__ tallest of all __the__ girls in her class!_

_"How __do_ _you__ know I—"_

_"Your teacher is waiting outside," the red head was laughing louder now, standing __to__ pat the shorter __on_ _the__ head "I'm Wong Kahei."_

_Stomping her feet _ _on_ _ the _ _ground_ _, Jiwoo held her breath. Her cheeks turned red _ _and_ _ her eyes widened, _ _she_ _ didn't like _ _being_ _ teased but she also didn't _ _have_ _ it in _ _her_ _ to be disrespectful to the girl. Under _ _normal_ _ circumstances, she would've already starting trying to prove _ _she_ _ was _ _old_ _ enough with _ _that_ _ high-pitched squeaking of hers._

_"_ _I'm_ _ Kim Jiwoo." she breathed out, pouting and moving away _ _from_ _ the girl's hand "Nice to meet you Ka-Kah-"_

_"Just call me Vivi," __the__ red __head__ smiled, fixing Jiwoo's bangs "Once you __learn__ how to talk, __you_ _can__ call me by my actual name."_

_With__ that __and__ a playful smack __on__ the forehead, __the__ red head __walked_ _out__ of the library. She politely bowed to the teacher waiting outside __and__ faded into the crowd of people __walking__ on the hallways, leaving Jiwoo dumbfounded. _

_"Vivi unnie."_

Yet even after Jiwoo figured out how to pronounce her name, she continued using the woman's nickname. Everyone did. They were used to it.

"I shouldn't have said everything I said in that file. And for that, I apologize."

However, no one was used to this. To Jiwoo not being around. Even if a year had already passed, it still felt like they were back in day one. Like the day they has figured out she was hurting, hurting because of them.

Vivi shook her head in denial, looking over at her girlfriend. She banged her arm on the floor, this way she could've focused on the physical pain instead than the mental.

"Haseul unnie," Jiwoo continued, eyes skimming over the woman's face on the picture. She smiled for a just a second before furrowing her eyebrows again "You have been such a great friend, the older sister I so much needed at times."

The woman shivered at the sound of her name, gripping the remote in her hands and taking a seat in the couch behind her. Haseul didn't care about the hungry eyes of the girls that watched her as she let her guards down, slumping her shoulders and burying her face in her trembling hands.

"I'm so sorry for letting you down, bringing trouble into your house and family," the red head spoke sincerely "I had promised to hold on, I know I did, but the memories won over me. All those years I never managed to let them go, shake them off. Nothing I did could erase them from my mind."

Haseul breathed out, she barely ever let her sadness show, but couldn't help the tears already threatening to spill from her eyes as she thought back to the night she had caught Jiwoo red handed, recording the files for the girls exactly two years ago.

_Mumbling, sniffling, it echoed against the walls _ _and_ _ bounced inside Haseul's room. The girl had already laid in bed, her favorite book in hand as _ _she_ _ snuggled under the warm covers. Today was a tiring day and although she hated getting out _ _of_ _ schedule for her every night sleep routine with a passion, she _ _decided_ _ to check where _ _the_ _ talking came from. At _ _that_ _ time her parents _ _were_ _ usually asleep and Jiwoo binging on her favorite shows. _

_Haseul tip-toed __out__ of her bedroom, __following__ the sound of a __female_ _voice__ down the hallway. It was obvious now it belonged to Jiwoo and it sounded like she was upset. _

_"Jiwoo-yah?" she whispered, pressing her __face_ _against__ the __wooden__ door "Are you alright?"_

_No response, just mumbles. Jiwoo was talking to herself and from the way her voice cracked, Hasuel figured she had already _ _soaked_ _ her cheeks with _ _dark_ _ dears of despair. Way too poetic, wasn't it? _ _Haseul_ _ used to think about that a lot, Jiwoo _ _and_ _ her potential struggles. She had caught a _ _glimpse_ _ of the girl _ _escaping_ _ dinner to break _ _down_ _ in the bathroom a couple of times._

_"Hey—"_

_The door opened __and__ closed in the speed of light. In a heartbeat, Haseul __was_ _already__ by Jiwoo's bed, pushing the microphones away and hugging her as tightly as she __could__. __There__ was no need for __words__, __the__ red head's teary eyes gave everything away._

"Thank you for trying to stop me from doing this earlier," Jiwoo sniffled "And helping me send out the files."

The brunette's eyes were closed, body shaking as she waited for the voices of the girls to pierce through her skull. Screams and whines, curses and insults to be thrown against her, like arrows on big, red target.

And so they did, voices sounding in all of Haseul's house while she kept her hands to her face, regretting nothing. Jiwoo too on the video was waiting, tears escaping her swollen orbs as if she knew the girls would react this way.

"I can't believe you let her break us after promising you'll always look after us!" one voice stood out the most and the rest squeals of anger faded into thin air.

Sooyoung had once again spoken up, cars keys tangling from her fingers as she shouted over the mess. Her face had no signs of emotion, it was straight and pale. All eyes avoided looking directly into hers, she had managed to scare every living cell of their body with just one look.

"You can't be this selfish," of course Haseul wouldn't let it slide "After everything we did to her, after all the trouble she silently went through, this is what you have to say?"

Haseul was screaming back without realizing, standing up in supersonic speed and pacing to face the woman sighing and groaning in boredom. Her brows were arched, eyes wide open and mouth moving rapidly as she spoke.

"Do you think I intended for this to happen? Do you think I feel okay knowing I have left my friend die because of me and the girls I had promised their parents to make respectful, kind, and truthful human beings?" her eyes rolled back, spit flying out of her mouth and all over the floor and she raged, shouting at the top of her lungs "Of course I didn't! And when I realized I could do nothing else to stop her, I helped her to find some peace. Unlike you and everyone else in this room!"

The shorter brunette exhaled, clenching her chest before supporting all of her weight against the table. She panted and kicked her feet around, desperately trying to catch her breath and stop her quickly beating heart.

"It's sad that it has come to this point for everyone to admit to their mistakes." she whispered, running a hand through her tangled hair and marched back to her seat, dropping to the couch in attempts of making the room stop spinning.

Jiwoo's image in front of the camera glitched, a hand brought over her mouth as she looked to be laughing. She pinched a patch of skin on her thigh, attempting to stop herself before taking a deep breathing and sitting up. She stared into the camera, blinking her eyes for a second.

"I can totally imagine your reactions," she wiped the tears escaping her eyes "I can't believe some, maybe even all of you, thought of blaming Haseul unnie for this."

Here's the word again, _blame_. It is remarkable, that the human kind will only point fingers, blame someone in order not to feel guilty. Though, if you've ever done something wrong, there's no way you won't pay. There will be consequences, one way or another, despite someone else taking the blame.

"Sit back down and let's get over with this," her tone was stern "Once again I will give you what you want."

An apology. To take the blame so the girls can finally move on with their lives completely, breathe every day without having to worry about killing their best friend. That's what Jiwoo did, all of her life. She apologized.

"Jinsoul unnie," she called out "I think I told you already, how sorry I am for making you think I was in love with Jungeun. I shouldn't have been this loud about my gratitude towards her, I guess. Making you jealous was never intended, yet it happened. So I hope you can forgive me."

Jiwoo scratched the back of head, sighing. She could never figure out what was the thing that upset Jinsoul every time they would all hang out and why would she leave the room when her and Jungeun would start messing around. Wasn't that a thing best friends did? Hug and laugh, get drunk together, sleep on the floor sharing the same blanket? Spontaneously hop on the car and go to the beach to swim, eat corn dogs under the stars and gossip? Give each other love-life advice, cry together during heartbreak, eat ice cream in front of the TV at four in the morning? Wasn't a best friend made to do all this? Jiwoo wondered that for so long. Maybe she had a wrong idea of what friends should behave like, because Jinsoul was clearly not having it. She was probably right too, for getting mad, Jiwoo figured.

"And Jungeun unnie," her eyes sparkled under the dim lighting of the room she had locked herself in "I'm sorry I was rude and clinged on you when it was clear you wanted me away. Leaving me was a good choice, you freed yourself from the weight I put on you with my annoying personality. I'm sorry you had to wait all these years to finally leave, at least you had Jinsoul unnie to encourage you to finally be free."

Jungeun was tired of Jiwoo, surely. That's why she left her and replaced her with Jinsoul. The latter wasn't annoying, she didn't run after her and took care of her whenever she sensed the brunette was unwell. She let her cry all by herself, without arms wrapping around her and holding her tight in a warm embrace. Only Jiwoo did that and Jungeun didn't like it, that's why she left. Right? It wasn't Jinsoul's jealousy that made the brunette push Jiwoo away, no, of course it wasn't. Only thinking of that Jiwoo felt as though she was the most selfish person in the world.

"I'm so sorry," she rasped "I should have realized I was being too much to handle. That night you told me, it was too late. I should've pushed myself away earlier."

_Glass clinked, sparkling wine fizzled, the soft aroma from Jinsoul's candles lit all over the room lingered in the air. Two women were seated on the couch and one paced around, eyes closed as she savored the fruity taste of the liquid poured into her glass just moments ago. Jungeun sighed heavily, opening her eyes to look at the smaller frame of her best friend. The blonde beside her, Jungeun's girlfriend, had her eyes set on the coffee table in front of her, left eyebrow arched and bottom lip tucked between the white pearls in her mouth. Jinsoul looked terrifying, maybe even fuming from anger, or at least that's what the vibrant red color on her tanned skin indicated._

_"What is this about?" the red head asked quietly, the atmosphere felt tense, as though the pair had fought._

_"Look, Jiwoo-yah," started Jungeun, not daring to look Jinsoul in the eyes "We-- I, yeah, I called you here so we can talk."_

_Silence followed, Jungeun's house slippers tapped against the floor as she moved to re-fill her glass. Procrastinating felt like the right thing to do at that time, even though she knew Jinsoul was going to kill her. _

_"So, I have pondered on this for quite some time," the brunette swallowed, watching the suddenly very precious to her liquid littering the glass tightly held between her fingers "And I've figured it was about time I spoke up about this as it has been bothering me."_

_Jungeun couldn't bare lying, not to Jiwoo. They had been friends since they accidentally bumped heads at the play ground many, many years ago and lying to her felt like a blasphemy. Their friendship was built on trust, on leaning onto each other when needed, constantly supporting each others' odd dreams; like Jugneun's first grade dream of becoming a tap-dancer._

_"Of course, you know I'm always here to help you." Jiwoo nodded her head, big smile on display. _

_Jinsoul rolled her eyes, turning to look at her girlfriend downing yet another glass. She coughed subtly, catching the brunette off guard and almost making her drop the glass bottle._

_"Yeah, so," Jungeun spat, not wanting to anger Jinsoul any longer "I don't think we should continue hanging out that much anymore."_

_Silence. For a second, Jiwoo had frozen in her spot, before snapping her fingers in front of her face as if desperately trying to wake up from a bad dream. She gulped, batting her eyelashes and clenching the couch cover's in her first while gathering the strength to speak up._

_"And why is that?" she weakly spoke, it sounded pathetic "Have I done something wrong?"_

_Letting her glass on the counter, Jungeun looked at Jinsoul for help. The brunette wasn't prepared to justify her decision, simply because it wasn't actually her own._

_"Uh, I just don't think it is appropriate to be as we used to," she said, kind of questioning her own words and waited for Jinsoul to approve. And when the blonde did, shaking her head slightly, the woman continued "Considering we've grown and, well, I—"_

_Jiwoo stood up, letting go of the material she squeezed tightly in her fists. With knuckles turning from white back to their natural rosy color, she bowed to both women and moved to grab her shoes by the entrance. _

_"You're in a relationship." she sighed "Sorry for causing trouble."_

_And she took off, Jiwoo opened the door and quickly exited the apartment, chest heavy with sadness and disappointment._

_"Wait, Ji—"_

_"Jungeun-ah," Jinsoul scolded "Let her go, it's finally settled."_

_The woman grinned, pushing herself off the couch and blowing the candle resting on the coffee table. She giggled and ran to the woman standing by the counter, embracing her and leaving a trail of kisses down her neck. Jinsoul's plan had worked._

Jungeun glanced at Jinsoul, whose eyes were covered by her hands. Her head was rested on the dinning table and her feet anxiously tapped on the marble floor. She was feeling guilty, Jungeun could definitely tell. And she was thankful the woman did, the memories after scarring someone like she did to Jiwoo should be imprinted in her mind for her whole life as a punishment. Stretching her neck, the brunette stood up and walked past everyone and finally to Sooyoung, standing beside her irritated figure. For a split moment, the woman wondered how the woman could stay unbothered by everything; the guilt, the bad dreams, the constant flashbacks. How could she not feel anything? Not have a hint of guilt in her body when knowing she, too, had helped in killing Jiwoo. Because this whole thing was murder, not suicide.

"Heejin-ah, Hyunjin-ah," the red head let out again "When I first met you both by the ice cream truck, I never thought you could've ignored the rules for anything. I always looked at you as the pure, the good kids. And I was wrong,"

Hyunjin had joined Heejin back on the floor again, offering the quiet girl beside her a cup of cold water from the refrigerator as they listened to the voice of a tired Jiwoo echo.

"Maybe, the image we all had of you was what made you rebel, feel the need to be spontaneous for once and our high expectations drove you to doing things you would've never considered yourselves capable of," she shook her head slightly, raising her it to glance directly into the camera "I guess, I can tell that's a huge weight to be carrying for most of you life..." Jiwoo trailed off into silence and her nostrils flared.

_The weather had finally gotten better, the sky was bright blue again and the sun in place, cascading it's hot beams over the whole town. It felt like summer again, everyone had finally gotten out of their houses after that two weeks of very intense raining. The kids were running all around the park, sweating and staining their light t-shirts with dirt from the play ground. Others would go crying to their parents, holding their knees because they fell while trying to climb up a tree or even because they were very hot and in need of the delicious treat on the ice cream truck parked just by the large tree at the entrance. _

_Jiwoo, however, was definitely not one of those last kids. She got what she wanted through debate and although she was six, she had almost managed to convince her parents to let her taste the frozen goodness the man in the funny white clothes and hat sold. _

_"Haseul unnie said it's okay to eat ice cream once in a while," she pointed at the taller girl behind her, smiling widely and holding her hand tightly "Besides, Jungeunie will come soon and I need to make her happy. She lost a tooth this morning, she called on the phone."_

_The little girl huffed, turning to look at Haseul with sad eyes as if to ask what to do next when her parents just laughed at her and shook their heads. The brunette squeezed the little girl's hand, encouraging to keep trying because, as her mother always said, "You can never get what you want unless you fight for it."_

_And that she did, listing all the reasons why she should be allowed to eat ice cream; from it being Friday, to her duty of always making her best friend happy, because "We signed a contract, I will show you once we go back home." and eventually, after Jinsoul appeared and begged with her, Jiwoo was finally given some money to spend on the ice cream truck. _

"The joy washing over me that day was unbelievable," the red head brushed a thumb across the picture in her hands "Especially after spotting you two, mindlessly discussing what flavor you wanted while holding the line for way too long."

_The girls giggled awkwardly, bowing to the taller boy who had called them out for taking too long to decide. Their intertwined hands were slightly shaking and the kind smile they put on their faces (because mother said that's how kindness works) fading under his strict demeanor._

_"Please be patient and give them some more time to choose," Jiwoo spoke from just behind them, nudging Jungeun's side, who wouldn't stop laughing with the red color of the boy's face "I heard chocolate chip and strawberry flavors are very yummy, by the way." she whispered into the taller's ear._

_"Thank you for this," the girl in pink shirt replied "I'm Heejin," she introduced herself before pointe over at the shorter, who had already gotten two cones of ice cream in her hands, looking at them with wide eyes "And that's..Hyunjin. She eats a lot."_

_The group erupted in laughter and Jiwoo forgot all about the ice cream "I'm Jiwoo!" she said rather loudly (her voice usually got loud when she was very excited) "This is my friend Jungeun," the girl leaning against Jiwoo smiled "And over there, at the back, is Haseul unnie. Do you guys want to come with us? We're playing hide and seek later."_

_Hyunjin eyed Heejin, they both seemed to hesitant for a while. They looked around as though searching for something and Heejin shuddered soon after, scratching the back of her head. It looked like her mother was walking closer to them._

_"We'll have to ask our parents," she mumbled "Mother says breaking the rules makes you a bad person and if we don't ask her, we'll be bad."_

"I should've realized you both had enough of the rules," the red head murmured "That you were tired trying to live up to other peoples' expectations. I'm sorry to have ever contributed to this, making you feel like you constantly have to be perfect." 

A hand trailed on Heejin's arm and goosebumps broke on the brunette's milky skin. The woman shivered a little but gained her composure soon after. Hyunjin cocked her head to the side, gaze holding many questions, most of which Heejin answered with a soft kiss on the side of her head and a low whisper in her ear.

"I'm alright," she placed a hand atop Hyunjin's "Stop worrying." 

The eyes focusing on the TV turned to look at the couple embracing on the ground, brows furrowed or arched in surprise, mouths slightly open or tightly sealed, they all silently apologized alongside Jiwoo. The idea of the duo having no flaws and excuses when failing, had been imprinted in everyone's heads ever since they had met. Heejin's and Hyunjin's parents would somehow always bring the subject of 'perfect behavior' up. All those years. And it had created an idea in the girls' mind that both Heejin and Hyunjin had never failed in their life, never done anything wrong, that they weren't even capable of being at fault. Ever. Something like well-designed robots, that followed orders and executed them perfectly.

"Guys it's fine, just..." Hyunjin trailed off "Let's listen to Jiwoo."

They eyes moved away and Hyunjin sighed, the pressure building up on her chest slowly fading. Her head rested on Heejin's shoulder and she scooted closer, wanting to feel the latter's warmth against her skin. Being close almost always took her anxiety away, her girlfriend's arms around felt like home. And when you're home, you're always safe. Right? 

"Chaewon-ah," the blonde whined the moment she heard her name, eyes already teary "You know I love you, I told you so many times already."

Jiwoo was once again looking at the picture in her hands, nails scrapping over Chaewon's face this time as she continued talking. In the background, Haseul's voice could be heard. She was ordering pizza and walking up and down the corridors, her loud 'mom voice' echoing all around the house. 

"These days, late at night when I'm rolling around my bed and can't sleep, I think of you," she laughed a little when Haseul's voice got louder "Of the devastated look on your face when I told you I liked someone else, the tears that spilled from your eyes the moment I went to sleep that day."

_The clock had already shown past midnight and the night sky was slowly morphing into a beautiful morning, yet the two figures peeking their heads out of the window didn't seem to notice. Over a finished box of the blonde's favorite cookies, they talked and stargazed, bodies leaning against one another and heads occasionally bumping. _

_Having spontaneous sleep-overs at Chaewon's house must've been one of Jiwoo's favorite things, the girl lived just outside of town. The peace and quiet of her neighbourhood and the breathtaking view of the large city from her backyard, seemed to be the right way of distressing. Everything had started to feel so much suddenly. School was too much to handle and the annoying beating of Jiwoo's heart made everything so much worse._

_"Remember when I told you about my heart? How I think it's failing?" Jiwoo whispered "My dad says kids can't have malfunctioning hearts."_

_Chaewon snorted slightly "Of course they can't, unnie!" she reached for her glass filled to the brim with cold milk "Only old peoples' hearts stop. I asked mister Kim in class, he said we'll learn when we're older."_

_Jiwoo watched as Chaewon drank from her glass, licking her milk mustache and smiling at the taste of it. Leaving it down, she leaned forward to get a better look at the sky, marveling the fading of the stars and the slow but steady pace of the raising sun. _

_"I think I know what it is," the older mumbled "I'm not a kid anymore. I can tell feelings apart."_

_Chaewon turned her head, confused at her friend's words. She took a step back, not caring about the way the stars surrendered to the heat of the raising sun and the dark sky that dropped it's gloomy facade and slowly turned bright and happy._

_"What do you mean?"_

"I can clearly remember when the realization hit you," Jiwoo said "That your heart too beat oddly, that your stomach too tingled so intensely you felt like throwing up. That you too were catching feelings." 

_Chaewon shook, eyes fluttering close. She fiddled with her fingers behind her back and felt her body complying to the words of Jiwoo, of all the little changes in your body once you're around the one you like._

_"We've seen it in the movies too," Jiwoo spoke a little too loudly "That's how the people understand they are in love!"_

_"In love..." the younger repeated "And you're in love? Now? With Sooyoung unnie?"_

_Jiwoo giggled, rocking back and forth on her heels awkwardly. Her gaze traveled all the way from Chaewon's wide eyes to the sun, gifting the world it's precious light. It was morning already._

_"Yes, I think I am." she hid her smile behind a loud yawn "But, look! The sun is already up. We should probably sleep a little," Jiwoo jumped on Chaewon's bed, exhausted "Jungeunie suggested we go for a hike today."_

Chaewon gulped audibly, toes curling inside her black boots. She carefully watched as Jiwoo sat up from the chair and leaned closer to the camera, momentarily forgetting the girl hadn't come back from the dead and almost slipping from between Hyejoo and Yerim on the floor and making a run for the TV. The blonde needed to hug her, smell her, feel her. Anything. Whatever. Apart from this, from this stupid video. Making it only hurt Jiwoo and Chaewon couldn't stand the thought of her hurting even more.

"I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you deserve to be loved, the way you so much desire," the red head whispered "Although, I'm pretty sure if you take a look around, you'll definitely see someone who's trying really hard. Give them a chance, it's only for the better."

She glanced into the camera and after lightly touching the lens, she moved back up in the chair. Chaewon frowned, turning to face Hyejoo. The girl had placed a hand on her shoulder reassuringly, the smallest of smiles plastered on her scarlet lips as she nodded. Their eyes locked for a while, unspoken words of comfort echoing inside the blonde's head. Even with a small gesture like this she could feel how much the younger cared, how long was she willing to wait for her to heal. Chaewon had felt it, the love Hyejoo was trying to give her all along. Finally.

The room waited in awkward silence for Jiwoo to continue talking, pain and sorrow clinging onto the already heavy atmosphere and turning the precious-to every-living-thing oxygen to what felt like toxic gas. Vivi sighed, chest heaving up and down in desperate attempts to breathe. This mixture of emotions in the room had made it hard to breathe, calm your heart rate, ease the loud thoughts throbbing inside your skull. 

"Would you look at the time?" Jiwoo exclaimed "I should probably make this faster, right? You guys are bored already."

Laughter sounded, no one needed to turn to tell who the owner behind the forced, deep giggle was. The woman was now walking towards the TV, hands inside the pockets of her pants as she knelled in front of the large screen. Her face, illuminated by the faded colors in the video, twisted into the ugliest smirk ever and she scoffed loudly. Sooyoung took a deep breath in and faced the woman in the video, the veins on her popping as she screamed.

"Come on! What is there more to say?" her hands balled into fists, knuckles turning white while she pushed her nails into the sweating skin of her palms "Are you going to play all sad and whine about how shitty your life has been again?"

From the very back of the room, Yeojin stood up. The chair she was sitting on, falling to the marble floor with a loud thud and her feet worked on their own, dragging her over to the slumped figure of Sooyoung. Her hands came to curl around the older's shoulders, stopping her from punching the expensive screen.

"Unnie," she whispered, pulling her back "Let it go."

She tugged harshly, causing Sooyoung to flinch away from her hold and push herself up, adjusting her coat over her shoulders. With a disapproving look she cleared her throat, momentarily locking eyes with Jungeun. Promptly, she walked away and pressed her back against the hallway wall, not wanting to watch any more of Jiwoo's nonsense.

"Now," the red head's voice sounded once more, the video had slowly started to turn into a torture "Yerim-ah, oh, where to I begin? Recently I rewatched the videos you posted of 'me'. A lot of people seen to be getting off while watching them."

Yerim was on the floor, her limbs frozen, mind lost in a labyrinth of her own thoughts, of her own emotions. Walking through it was dangerous, it could potentially damage her for the rest of her living, yet she couldn't avoid it. She couldn't escape it.

"You're so smart, so competitive. I wish I could be as strong-willed as you are," Jiwoo muttered "Knowing I'm not like you only proves I shouldn't have ran for president of the school council."

The younger was trapped, lost between many walls and swallowed into it's depths. There was no way out, no skein of thread to help her find her way back out like Theseus. And slowly, the walls closed in on her, squeezing her so tightly she couldn't breathe. One by one her bones cracked, popped, her lungs shrunk, she was panting and fighting for a breath, hands trying to push against the moving walls to stop them. Yerim was doomed.

"You wanted to follow your father's steps, maybe, you were even forced. I should've respected that like every good friend would've," the red head spoke quickly "I'm extremely sorry for doing this, despite knowing his reaction to your potential defeat."

_Feet pounded, gray hair pushed back with only one strand of them escaping the the tight brace. The man in suit spoke angrily, hand securely holding his phone up just enough so he could see._

_"I can't believe you're behind, Choi Yerim!" his fancy shoes squeaked and he groaned "We never fail! What have I taught you all those years? You can't let this dirty slut win."_

_The girl behind the counter just hummed, quickly glancing back to check if any of her friends had heard her father's shameless rant about always winning and doing whatever it takes to be on top. _

_"Dad, Jiwoo unnie is in my room," she whispered "Please calm down. I don't want her feeling bad about doing good at the council's elections."_

_His bitter chuckle froze Yerim in her spot, eys widening at the veins on his hands as he flexed them, breaking his phone in two. The intimidating man swiped his hands over his expensive suit, dark and angry eyes barely visible behind his furrowed eyebrows. Looking up, his ears perked and the sound of his wife's heels covered his loud breathing. _

_"You know what to do, Yerim-ah," his face softened and the girl swore she could see his second persona take over, his hand putting on the 'good husband/dad' mask. He always managed to hide his ugliness, the ugliness of his heart "The Choi way."_

Jiwoo giggled quietly, swallowing a shaky sigh. Her pupils danced along with the shadows of her friend's figures on the wall, it felt like she was in the cinema.

"Hearing your father say all that was a slap in the face, something to wake me up and help me face reality," she rasped "I learned not everyone is who they say they are."

Yerim twitched awkwardly, nose wrinkling and back arching. For once goosebumps didn't feel nice, like the ones she got from reading that amazing romance novel Yeojin had recommended. It felt like poison, neon green liquid embracing her body, slowly but surely burning her to death.

"Which is ironic, considering I too wore a mask," she let the picture down, nails digging into the pale skin of her face and pulling "The mask isn't on anymore. This is the real me, you like it?"

Red marks littered her face and her eyes rolled back, tongue lolling out of her salivating mouth as she breathed heavily. Jiwoo squealed in pain, desperately biting her lips to come back on her senses.

"Hyejoo-yah, don't you like it?" the red head moaned "You never wore a mask, you always said and did what you wanted without caring to play nice. You're one of the youngest yet the smartest out of all of us."

The raven haired stayed still, face holding no emotions as always. She patiently waited for Jiwoo's panting to stop and she blinked her eyes, a sharp pain shooting through her stomach when Chaewon's fingers laced with her own.

"You have to be rewarded for being this truthful, don't you think?" Jiwoo laughed a little "I hope leaving was enough, now you can have the girl too. Sorry for not doing this earlier."

Hyejoo growled, eyes half lidded and she bit the inside of her cheek. Speaking up would have no use, it would make Jiwoo's play even more dramatic than she intended it to be and frankly, the younger was tired. Not only from the emotions the woman put them through, but her existence entirely. 

"Honestly, I never realized why you hated me so much," she clicked her tongue, the red marks of her nails on her face proudly showing themselves off under the dim lighting of the room "Was it jealously? Was it because I'm annoying and way too emotional, as you occasionally said. I guess we'll never know."

Chaewon's fingers trembled against Hyejoo's and the blonde turned to look at her. Her long, dark hair hid her face very well, flowing over the sides of her face and down her shoulders and back. However, Chaewon knew that nothing had changed on her expression, even if she couldn't see.

"I asked you one day, do you remember?" Hyejoo looked straight ahead, the only movements she made being the heavy and long eyelashes that blinked away her annoyance and her chest that heaved up and down while she breathed back in the smoke produced by the dangerous rage, setting her whole being on fire "But I never got an answer, just a friendly message about getting kicked out of the room."

_The time was...way to late for someone to be up, especially a teenager in need of good sleep to grow and be healthy. Fingers tapped along the flashing keyboard and the voices trapped inside her headset almost deafened her. Hyejoo's team was close on getting a win and the whole team chatroom was blowing up with excited screams and messages. _

_"Wolf let's split, you go left, I go right," the man with the funny accent spoke "Call code 4 if you need backup."_

_Hyejoo hummed in response, grinning as she carefully went after the moving figure she spotted hidden. With a press of her fingers against the keyboard, she had entered the main chatroom where both teams could communicate with one another. No one spoke, all microphones were muted. Apart from two; Hyejoo's and the only man's standing from the opposite team._

_"It's over, Penggwin-ah." the raven head laughed into the mic, heart beating loudly at the thought of winning, being the golden player in her team._

_"I know it is, Hyeoo," guns loaded, the enemy shot multiple times yet the girl couldn't get over the familiar voice booming inside her headphones._

Jiwoo reached out to grab her controller, cracked with buttons missing. She had dropped it that night, anger building up so quickly when Hyejoo started acting childish, she almost blew up.

"I don't even remember how we both stayed alive so long, how we started bickering in the heat of the moment," she set the controller down, running a finger along the crack on it's surface "Or how I got you to confess you that hate me."

_Hyejoo reloaded, aim set on the player trying to find shelter. She was ready, finally after so many minutes of pointless conversation. Nothing could stop her from ending it, crushing Jiwoo's ego to the ground, stop her soft insults from sounding. It was funny, how the older tried to intimidate her because she failed each time._

_"You know, Hyejoo-yah, it's fun playing with you," Jiwoo spoke, missing a shot "We should do this again."_

_"We shouldn't," the girl replied dryly "I can't stand you."_

_Jiwoo mumbled in her microphone, sighing as she pulled out a knife to attack Hyejoo's player. Melee was the only option, she had ran out of bullets._

_"Why—"_

_Headshot. Hyejoo watched the virtual figure fall back, crushing to the ground lifeless. _

_"Bye." her fingers pressed on the mouse, ending the game and kicking the girl out of the chatroom in a matter of seconds, laying back in her chair and laughing hysterically. _

Chaewon hadn't stopped looking at Hyejoo, not even when she brushed her hair away from her face to reveal squinted eyes and trembling lips.

"I'm sorry for thinking all the times you told me you hated me was a joke," Jiwoo said quietly "I must've pissed you off for so long."

Hyejoo's face relaxed when feeling the blonde beside her pulling away and she finally turned her head, disregarding all of Jiwoo's words. She knew she was at fault, long before Jiwoo ended her life. Being this raw and mean always hurt people, pushed them away. She was aware she was hurting everyone around her away, even those who she really wanted to keep close. Just like the girl next to her, who managed to stick around even after so many years. That's why she loved her, Chaewon stayed, despite her strange ways of showing emotion.

"Just like with Jungeun, I should've left and lead Chaewon to you, so you can finally be happy too," the red head shrugged "That's what good friends do, try to make eachother happy. Am I right? Because for me, you've always been a friend."

The camera lagged and Jiwoo's image froze for a while, a blue and green screen flickered over the video and for a moment, all girls breathed out. The woman's presence almost stopped them all from breathing, somehow clogged their lungs and gagged their mouths, or maybe, that was just guilt.

Jiwoo moved again, their group picture back in her hands. She turned it around, pointing with her finger at Yeojin who stood next to Haseul with her arms around her waist. The red head took a second to admire the beautiful smiles on the piece of paper, grinning when looking at her bestfriends all dressed up for Vivi's 21st birthday.

"Yeojin-ah, Yeojin-ah," the younger's name rolled off her tongue painfully slow, red eyes closing. It looked like she was getting tired, like after getting the things that had her mind racing non-stop off her chest, the sleep she desperately desired was taking over her "I hope my family hasn't bothered you again, threatened you in any way."

The girl shook her head out of instinct, looking around to find someone to hold. No one was looking at her, paying attention to her limbs twitching in fear, another anxiety attack waiting to strike and spread it's vicious branches, trap Yeojin into a dark place of madness where all of her fears were real and about to torture her until she couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm sorry for sounding so harsh in your file, anyone could've been in your place," she smiled,though there was nothing that could calm Yeojim down "And also, I'm glad you told the truth that day. Haseul taught you well."

Haseul chuckled lowly, rising her head to look over at the girls quietly sitting by and listening, some with eyes closed while others with wide open, paying attetion to every little detail on the video. Her gaze skimmed over the worried face of the youngest and she jumped, hurrying over to hold her before she collapsed on the floor.

"You're a good kid, you should be proud for kmowing when not to lie. My parents probably knew already, just wanted an excuse to shove me away," Jiwoo grimaced a little "Thankfully you protected yourself instead of me, or esle esle you might've been the one kicked out. If that ever happened, I would've hate myself more."

Yeojin had spiralled, fallen into the moving sand that quickly sucked her into the darkness. Her head was resting on Haseul's shoulder while the woman caressed her back and her mouth wide open, breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and ou—

"Stop the video!" Jinsoul shouted "Can't you see she's having an anxiety attack?"

"Last time this happened, I remember you not believing her and saying such things don't exist," Haseul spat "Shut it and continue watching. She'll be okay soon, I know how and will help her."

The blonde rolled her eyes hard, looking over at Jungeun keeping her head down in shame before focusing back on the screen, a silent sigh pushing past her sealed lips.

"Even when you tried confronting me that night, not knowing I was aware of what happened proves you're a sweet girl."

_Meat, way too much meat for a bunch of girls was spread on the table of Haseul's home. The girls had all gathered to help cheer Jiwoo up, whose parents had kicked out of their house for dating a girl._

_"And then, just dropped everything!" Hyunjin barely ended telling her story before breaking into a fit of laughter, almost choking on the freshly grilled meat in her mouth. _

_The table loud, the girls doing their best to bring a smile to the red head's face who seated quietly by Sooyoung, holding her hand tightly. She hadn't spoken since Haseul had called them over to eat together nor looked at them, she only nodded once in a while and opened her mouth for her girlfriend to feed her some of the delicious barbecue — after insisting a million times._

_"Unnie," the girl on her other side whispered, catching her attention only after placing a small hand on her shoulder "It's okay to feel sad."_

_Jiwoo smiled a little, nodding as she wiped the few tears staining her cheeks. Her free hand hovered above Yeojin's and playfully slapped it as if to let her know that if she wanted to eat more she should hurry._

"You checked up on me the whole night, while we watched a movie, while Jungeun started saying her stupid jokes," she spoke "You found me on the hallway crying and even then helped me, in your own way."

_The room had quieted down, the older girls had already brought out the expensive wine of Haseul's parents to drink while the younger played a game of Go-Stop. _   
** _(A/N: Go-Stop (고스톱) is a Korean card game played by 2-4 and sometimes 3 players)_ **

_"We're starting the mafia game soon, where's Jiwoo?" questioned Jungeun, eyebrows arching "She has been gone for quite some time." _

_The rest paused, quickly letting go of the glasses they held in their hands. Worriedly, they looked at each other, suddenly out of words. The girls on the floor playing with the cards cheered, oblivious to the sudden tension in the room._

_"I'll go find her," Yeojin spoke up, tapping Sooyoung's shoulder, who sat on the kitchen counter, eyes out of focus as she sank deep into her own thoughts and worries "She should be near, I saw her walk off a while ago."_

_Haseul glanced at the younger, hesitating for a moment. Her eyes gave it all out, how she was unsure if running after her or even, inviting everyone over to have fun was really the best thing she could've done to cheer Jiwoo up._

_"I'm sure she's loving this," smiled the younger "She just needs to be reminded we are all here for her, every single time she feels like she isn't. And right now it's that time. Let me go, unnie, I really want to help."_

_"Go." rasped Sooyoung from the counter, shaky fingers threading her long hair "I'll join you later." her voice was low and her face gloomy. She would occasionally scrunch her nose and ball her fists, trying to push the tears threatening to spill from her eyes back._

_Yeojin bowed, patting the older's back and smiling at Haseul who still seemed to be hesitating. With short but rapid paces, she walked past the girls fighting over their game and to the hallway that separated the living room and kitchen from the rest of the house. Her ears perked, the sound of sobs echoing from near the first bathroom a little further from where she was standing._

_"Jiwoo unnie?" the girl called out, small hands grazing the white walls while she walked. Bracing herself, Yeojin's steps came to a stop "Here you are!"_

_The crying woman hugged her knees close, head buried between them and back leaned against the wall. Her shoulder's shook and the soaked material of her jeans sucked in all her cries of despair._

_"You're going to be okay," mumbled Yeojin, knees bending to accompany her on the floor "I know everyone has told you this, but we are your family now. We love you and support you. Soon your parents will realize their mistake."_

_Only spitting out these words made the girl feel sick, the dinner they had previously eaten torturing her poor intestines and pleading to get out. Yeojin brought a hand to her mouth, swallowing hard and trying to think of something else, anything to get rid of the nausea._

_"I'm so sorry," she whispered, reluctantly hugging Jiwoo "You're strong. You can get past this." _

Yeojin stirred in Haseul's embrace and gripped the older's clothes. The painfully fast beating of her heart soon subsided and her shrinking lungs, expanded. She took a deep breath in, opening her eyes to look at Jiwoo's large smile on the screen.

"I overreacted. I hope you can forgive me."

Jiwoo's smile faded, back arching and hands pulling on her shoulders, attempting to get rid of the pain in her spine. She stretched her arms and legs, cracked her knuckles, rotated her head for a couple of minutes. The woman kept quiet, white noise and Haseul's loud steps to get the door being the only thing heard along with the cracking of her bones.

"Jiwoo-yah!" the older shouted from the kitchen "The pizza is here."

"I'm coming in a sec!" replied the red head with the most insincere excitement in her voice "I just have some homework to complete."

She looked into the lens, eyes dull and dark behind her long bangs. From her forehead, small beads of sweat formed and let loose, gliding down her fair skin. Jiwoo tilted her chin, letting them cool down her flushed skin and soak the collar of her shirt. She seemed to be collecting her thoughts for some time as she licked her lips, left eyebrow twitching like every time she was anxious. Finally, the red head leaned closer and cleared her throat.

"Sooyoung unnie," her hoarse voice pulled the older out of her thoughts, like the Sirens, luring her into approaching closer "You said I was your first ever love, yet there were times where I believed none of those words you occasionally spurted out were true."

Suddenly her voice was captivating, music to Sooyoung's ears, that had her legs moving closer to the TV. The irritation and anger were long gone, the moment she heard her name slipping past the younger's chapped and trembling lips, the woman forgot why she was even mad.

"For me you were and still are, my one and only love. The person who made me fall so hard that I grew numb to any other pain you put me through. Did it happen to you too?" Jiwoo questioned with an intense gaze and a voice full of doubt "Sometimes, I wonder, if I really am the helpless one, the pathetic one in all of this. So deep into love I start drowning, pulling hard at your ankles to save myself and eventually take you down with me, into the depths of misery." 

Sooyoung's legs moved with a mind of their own, halting in front of the TV and buckling until the woman was on the ground. Her heart beat slowly, mouth running dry as if her whole body stored all liquids in her eyes and impatiently waited to release it so she won't overflow, explode, pop.

"Maybe, I am. Maybe I have destroyed both of us," Jiwoo's voice cracked "I wish there was a way to fix it, our broken hearts. My tears can never seem to piece them back together, nor my guilt, nor my pleads. Nothing can stop the aching in my heart, the stabbing pain in my stomach knowing that you can't trust me anymore. That circumstances pulled us apart, that I was never able to notice you were in pain too."

A hand reached out to touch the glass, slim fingers skimming over the screen. The woman dressed in black choked out a sob, desperately trying to get a hold of the moving pixels, pull Jiwoo out of the glass and keep her close. Just looking at her, listening to her low cries or the way she called out he name, Sooyoung's bitterness faded into nothing. Her chest swelled with despair, invisible hands clenching her neck tightly until she turned purple.

"I wish I could go back and make you trust me again," her hands dipped inside her shirt, searching from something "Avoid going through all that made us suffer."

Jiwoo pulled her necklace out of her shirt, a single metal wing tied to a shoelace. She had made it a long time ago, the memories it held being the only thing that kept her alive. And when the only other person wearing it swore to tear it off and give up it's contents, Jiwoo lost hope. 

"Do you still have the necklace, unnie?" she asked, blinking away tears "The one I made when we trusted to stay together forever, even when we part ways."

Sooyoung nodded, hand clutching the piece of jewelry hanging around her neck. She sobbed a little louder and the room shook, everything slowly becoming a blur. The woman felt like she would pass out soon, like the terrible headache bothering her for around half an hour would pierce through her skull so deep until she died.

"Sooyoung, your nose!" called out Hyunjin "It's bleeding."

"I know I was supposed to stay around longer, I had promised you I'd live to be happy," Jiwoo hiccuped "But I just couldn't. I'm so sorry for hurting you."

"What the fuck, Sooyoung, snap out of it!" screamed Haseul, watching the girl smile, letting the blood run down her face and on to her lips, cling onto the material of her dark clothes and disappear.

_Bodies entangled, voices booming, eyes wide open and smiles bright. The two women under the white covers of the bed in their hotel room squealed when looking at baby photos and videos of them, cringing and hoping none of them ever saw the light of day. It was for their families' and own eyes, no one else was supposed to see their embarrassing past._

_"Hey, Chuu," smiled the brunette, peeking her head out of the covers to take a deep breath "I have to tell you something."_

_The red head giggled, touching her reddening cheeks at the sound of the stupid nickname her girlfriend had given her. Her toes curled and the butterflies in her stomach tickled her insides relentlessly. Jiwoo dropped her phone and turned to look at the girl lying next to her, frowning when the woman wasn't smiling._

_"Of course you can. You can tell me anything."_

Sooyoung took her hand away from the screen, wiping away the blood running from her nose, but not caring to stop it. It was a lot, more than any of the girls had ever seen.

"Are you going to say it or should I?" Jiwoo asked, dropping the picture in her hands and reaching behind her to take off her necklace. 

"What the fuck—" Hyejoo tried to speak up, trailing off when Sooyoung replied in a breathless mumble.

"I'm dying."

Three words was all it took for the room to turn into a battlefield, the many questions the girls shouted feeling like bullets planted into Sooyoung's skin. She groaned, glancing over at Jungeun, who held out some paper towels and she silently thanked her, asking her to join her on the ground so they can wait out the screams of the girls in the room.

Sooyoung swallowed, grabbing the girl's hand and bringing it to her lips. She brushed them against the younger's knuckles, leaving a soft and lingering kiss on each and every one of them. Looking deep into Jiwoo's pouring of tears eyes, she waited for her to calm down.

_"Hodgkin's Syndrome," she repeated "Cancer in the immune system, the lymphoma. My doctor predicted I've had it for a long time, but because my parents couldn't afford a hospital, I got a very late diagnosis. I'm already on the fourth stage which, even if the worst, has a high survival rate—"_

_"Yet you'll not be a survivor," Jiwoo sobbed "Somehow they can treat everyone else but you!"_

_"You know it doesn't work like that, Chuu," the brunette replied and pulled her a little closer "But it's okay, because we'll spend all the time I have together and when I leave, you'll pick yourself up and walk your own path, find happiness. I know you will."_

_Jiwoo sniffled, slipping away from Sooyoung's embrace to grab something from the pocket of her jeans. Coming back under the covers, she presented two wing key chains she had bought at the local fair last week and before the older could even question their existance, she reached to take the laces out of her shoes_ _._

_"Do you like it?" asked the red head when she finished the makeshift necklace "Wear this and never take it off. When you miss me or I miss you, we'll hold it close, shut our eyes and think the memories we made through it. As long as it's near you, I am too."_

"And what about Areum? Does she know?" Yerim questioned, hands gripping Chaewon's upper arm.

"She does. We met at the hospital." replied Sooyoung, taking her necklace off and keeping it close to her chest. Shutting her eyes, she thought of everything she went through with Jiwoo, of everything she'd so much love to do with her if they ever got a chance to be together. She smiled, thanking her for making her cross paths with Areum, for bringing happiness to the person who only brought her pain.

"How long do you have?" Heejin was the next to speak.

"By now, maybe a year? Maybe less?" she shrugged "Not sure."

"How can you not know?!" Jinsoul nearly screamed "Are you fucking serious?"

Sooyoung didn't care about how much time she had left, she didn't care about anything. The only thing in her mind all those years was to do whatever it took to be happy, not caring about the consequences, even if that meant murdering someone. Murdering her first love. Because in the end she would die anyway.

"I'll always love you, no matter if you have moved on or if you hate me. Once I fell, I knew there was no way out and to be honest, that doesn't necessarily bother me," Jiwoo explained, nearly drowning in her own tears "I'm sorry for being a waste of time, for not being worthy of your love."

The room was quiet again, just like how it mostly was during the red head's video. The sun was out already and the sea of blacks spilled over the white marble of Haseul's home suddenly fitting the aesthetic of the well decorated room. It matched it's dark, filled with sorrow and terror atmosphere, yet still stood out from the light furniture. The girls, unlike some time ago, had all gathered around Sooyoung, holding each other's hands. Mean and hurtful words were left behind, like nothing ever happened as they continued watching the girl behind the camera calm herself down.

"I love you, all of you." she said, the necklace in her hand almost slipping from her hold "I'm sorry for disappointing all of you, hurting you, scarring you. I didn't deserve any of you, guys."

It was Jiwoo's fault. Jiwoo was the reason everyone hurt. Jiwoo should feel sorry and regret dying, even if that choice of hers was truly a dream to come true. Jiwoo was behind the fights and hatred between the girls. Jiwoo shouldn't have spoken up. If she hadn't none of this would've ever happened. Jiwoo was the one to blame. Don't you think?

"No..." Haseul whispered, hands affectionately rubbing Vivi's back.

No matter what you think, whose side you pick, nothing will ever bring her back. Jiwoo. The past. Nothing and no one will ever be there to take the blame away from her, to help her stand up for herself even after her death. Nothing and no one will be there to ease the guilt. Remember, however, that every action has consequences and either you chose to accept your faults or push them away, they'll get to you. In one way or another. 

"This has been me, Kim Jiwoo."

Jiwoo was at fault.

"Please fell free to forget me, delete me from your memory forever. There's nothing pleasant to remember."

Or was it everybody elses'?

"Our time together has finally come to an end, a whole year after I hurt you all the most. Forgive me for my thoughtless actions."

Surely, it was both. Right?

"I hope we never get to meet again," she laughed, pointing at the sky "Although it is inevitable."

Fate will determine.

"See you soon, everybody." 

Fate will punish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and supporting this book! hope you have an amazing day :D


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